Thursday, 8 March 2012

Four years

Today it has been four years since I moved here, to this flat.

Four years of rebuilding my independence and integrity. Sometimes I wonder if I succeeded too well, made an ice shield around my heart. I don't know. Time will tell. As it is... I have been happy here.

A home of my own. And one of the longest stretches of time I have lived anywhere. It isn't perfect, but it has been my castle, a place where I make the rules, and where I can lock the door against the external world when needed, for these years. A place to learn about myself, to learn to stand on my own legs, and to find some pride in who and what I am. It hasn't been four easy years, and who I am today is perhaps not the result of living here but rather the career path I ventured out onto in 2008, just after moving here. Still. The two are interconnected in my mind.

I think I have healed fairly well. Sometimes I even forget, for days and weeks and months. Then something brings it back. Some blocks are still there, things I cannot do. There is a sting of loneliness now and then, but I suppose that is human and unavoidable. But overall.. I have come a long way.

Where am I going next? What will become of me?
How come the future seems more scary than my past and when did that happen?

But for NOW.. right here and now. I am doing good. Living in the moment. Trying to enjoy my life. Rediscovering the bright moments still.

6 comments:

  1. There are advantages and disadvantages to being single and double, respectively. Whatever your situation, it can be tempting to focus on the advantages of the other option

    Cold As Heaven

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    1. Ah, if only that was the problem. I am holding firmly on to my green grass fearing all other grass might turn out to be weeds.

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  2. Your home is truly wonderful and really homey. There has been rarely as homeyhome any friends I have have had ? (prolly too many "have"s there, but anyway)

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    1. Do you realise it is 2,5 years since you visited me?! I discovered when I was looking for an animal picture from your visit here and saw the date stamp.

      And I promise you, it is much improved since you last saw it :D

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  3. I've tried to comment twice now, once from iPhone, once from an iPad, and it only gives me grief! baaah. Doin' it on the computer now.

    Anyhow, what I was intending to say is that the home is more important than one can understand before anything happens. Having moved here just a month before the regrowth of the tumour was discovered... so damn lucky!
    I would have been so depressed in the last apartment, here I feel hope, comfort and joy. I've got oodles of projects to bite into and no worries that there is no time. Just healing in my own time. Plotting to occupy the inner courtyard of the building... and then there is the balcony. :)

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    1. It -is- important. At the time I only needed to get my own place, any place, and I accepted the flat unseen when they called and offered it to me. I actually found it a bit too expensive the first year, but my salary has increased faster than the rent has so I am good now. And I am SO reluctant to give it up, not the flat in particular (though its plan suits me exceptionally well), but the independence it has brought me. I am my own person now. And I can work on my own things without anyone criticizing. And make a mess if I want to, and tidy things away the way I want them to be. And surprisingly, these little details have given me some calm, removed several layers of stress.

      Basically, it is a social thing. Being around people takes physical energy from me. Even if that person is in the next room over, or is coming home later. There are a very few individuals in the world that I can be around that, somehow, does not intrude upon my personal space, or my silence, who I can be in the same room with and still get rested. Valuable, cherished people. But most of humankind are not among them, and the result is.. that those four years on my own, in the Hermitage (as I call the flat, tongue in cheek, after being critisized for being such a hermit and keeping to myself), those four years have been good years. I have learnt a lot about myself.

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Be nice!