Thursday 8 March 2012

Four years

Today it has been four years since I moved here, to this flat.

Four years of rebuilding my independence and integrity. Sometimes I wonder if I succeeded too well, made an ice shield around my heart. I don't know. Time will tell. As it is... I have been happy here.

A home of my own. And one of the longest stretches of time I have lived anywhere. It isn't perfect, but it has been my castle, a place where I make the rules, and where I can lock the door against the external world when needed, for these years. A place to learn about myself, to learn to stand on my own legs, and to find some pride in who and what I am. It hasn't been four easy years, and who I am today is perhaps not the result of living here but rather the career path I ventured out onto in 2008, just after moving here. Still. The two are interconnected in my mind.

I think I have healed fairly well. Sometimes I even forget, for days and weeks and months. Then something brings it back. Some blocks are still there, things I cannot do. There is a sting of loneliness now and then, but I suppose that is human and unavoidable. But overall.. I have come a long way.

Where am I going next? What will become of me?
How come the future seems more scary than my past and when did that happen?

But for NOW.. right here and now. I am doing good. Living in the moment. Trying to enjoy my life. Rediscovering the bright moments still.