Ongoing knitting: Trish

I have blocked Trish. I thought my puzzle mat was sufficient for any knitting challenge, but I actually had to be creative to handle this. Need two more packages.. 200cmx70cm. 

If I wasn't so allergic to wool I would want one of these myself - as it was I got rashes from handling it. Nothing bad, but a reminder that I cannot fall for temptation and wear wool. 

Pattern will come up in the end of February. 

New sofa

I have gotten picture requests for the new furniture. When I get everything into place where it should be and rid of the empty packaging, I will take better photos, but here are some glimpses. Oh, and that green thing visible in the knitting pictures from the past few days? My new ottoman. Unlike the old it has no storage in it (neither does the sofa) but I will try to manage without :)

Hard to do colours justice in photoes. It is a nice plum purple. And Trish isn't neon purple like it looks with flash. As usual, click pictures for scary details.

Linus

What do you want?! - I had been trying to get his attention to get a picture of him for a while. 

He has one of the o-rings from when I fixed the washing machine as a new favourite toy, and I cannot resist messing with him. However, messing with him doesn't work, he just smiles happily. 

Sausage cat has wrapped himself well. 

Hello. I am here. I love you. And the computer. You are a nicer pillow however. Mmh, pillow. Hey, stop that blinky thing, I told you I hate the flash! 

Ongoing knitting: Escargot

Like so many others I just had to knit Escargot when I saw it. Now I am on the boring part (knitting stockinette in the round, forever and ever and ever) and I put it aside.

Evi

Been playing with Evi for the past couple of days. It works well during early daytime - when it is still night in the US - but they are having some server capacity problems after a sudden onslaught of users. I am totally amused. The first three sentences we could not understand eachother very well, and the conversation was weirdly disjointed, but after that it straightened out - I worked on my pronunciation and stopped mumbling, and Evi got an upgrade from her makers. Much fun. :D

Ongoing knitting: Trish

It has been a while since I published one of my own patterns. This one, called Trish, will come up when it is done, hopefully this week, else in a few weeks (I will be busy in the interim).

Yarn: M&K Mohair. Needles: 9mm (rek 5,5 mm). Will become: A rectangular shawl. You can see about a third of it in the picture. Unblocked as of yet as I am not finished, will post finished (or blocking, or both) pictures with the pattern.

So far creating lace patterns seem to be my thing...

More knitted bracelets!

I have been ill and mostly not knitting. As I have been getting better I have slowly picked up the needles again.

The first days I was well enough to knit I made bracelets (the turquoise one is from an earlier batch). Yarn:  Drops Alpaca. Needles: 2mm. Garter stitch. Pre-threaded 4mm rocaille beads.

Scarf!

I can finally show you this. Had to save it until after X-mas and it is only now I am well enough to even think of emptying my camera. Knitted as a gift to (mainly) Hanna W, who likes orange and red. Her bf can use it too if he wants. Or they can wrap themselves together in it, it is big enough. Cozy.

Yarn: Samo. Needles: 9mm. Mostly garter stitch with some elongated stitches. Oh, and a piece of the sofa does a late appearance! It now lives with mother.

Helsinki trip 16-18th of December

I took very few pictures. I blame the rain and that I didn't want my camera to get wet.

Kiasma is the Museum of Modern Art in Helsinki. We huddled in their cafe in the rain. It has excellent service, if somewhat dull food and bad tea (though better than the hotel!)

The Ounce is a lovely tea shop where I spend way too much money (somewhere between 30 and 40e worth of tea in that bag - can't remember the exact sum). Pina Colada was a new acquaintance that I wish I had bought more of. The other new ones weren't so exciting. My favourite is Jasmin Baghdad, a blend of green and black with fruity (redcurrants at least - you can see the berries in the tea) overtones.

They stopped calling the biggest crisp bags "Megapussi" and switched to "Megabag" - probably tired of the jokes. My friend Kasha found this in a bar though. Minipussi!

Christmas cards and other related things

By now everyone should have gotten their cards, belated or not. So here is a (blurry) picture of the ones I made this year. I also had a stack left over from earlier.

Childhood traditions creeping in: Lighting a new candle every Sunday of Advent.  

I almost missed it! This was when I realised it. I actually looked at the moon during the full epclipse and thought "oh wow what a cool colour the moon has tonight" not realising. Totally embarrassing. 

The promised christmas cards. 

Last pictures with old sofa

...and it is almost not visible, already being taken apart.

Someone I know asked a question in FB. I think she asked if people notice (women's, I guess) nails. The answers ranged from on topic to people stating that women in their thirties and up shouldn't wear eyeliner or attempt that goth look or wear too much make-up. I found that very interesting. Especially the eyeliner part. I am a woman in my thirties and I wear eyeliner. And I wound up thinking about that comment, the broody way I sometimes get a hang-up on irrelevant things that people say (even people I don't know).

While I don't attempt the goth look, I refuse to give up my eyeliner. However, I am blessed with a baby-face look from my mother's side of the family so maybe that excuses me? (Which does have the side effect that I am always carded if I want to buy alcohol or lottery tickets :/ )

With weird shadow from stacks of
furniture in my livingroom.
And with tea cup.

G+

Not following me in G+? If you read my blog or know me otherwise, you probably should.
And if you have a gmail account it is soooo easy. You don't have to share any info to follow others.

Here is my profile page where you can see some of my posts (the public ones, unless I already have added you not only as someone I sorta know but a friend or family).
https://plus.google.com/106999030058740417080/posts

Fat thoughts

This is a somewhat undeveloped post because I am not sure what I want to say with it, really.

It is about being fat. And about observing people having fun at what fat people look like. And thinking "Do you laugh at me behind my back, too?".

For some reason I feel like writing down my history of fatness. Maybe it is a sort of defense, "this is the reason I am fat" - which might seem childish at first but really, the point is that YOU DON'T KNOW why people are fat. Or why they stay fat. And I can assure you, because I know a lot of fat people - it very rarely is because they eat too much, all the time, because they lack self discipline, or whatever. As someone said (I cannot remember who, else I would credit): "If a thin girl counts calories and eats too little, she is ill. If a fat girl does the same, she is being good." - and by extension, if a thin girl eats normally, healthily, she is good, while if a fat girl does the same she is lacking in self discipline, greedy. Oh, and exchange girl for guy and she for he in any of these sentences because it applies for all.

I have always been, well, stocky, round, whatever word you choose. In my teens I sortof grew into the weight so that while I was somewhat chubby the only one who seemed to notice that was me, in hindsight everyone else seemed to figure I was normal. Maybe I was and it was all in my head. (That said I have struggled with eating disorders from childhood. Getting food into myself was a battle of wills. Eating was, and can still be, terrifying. If I don't eat, I am safe.)

When I was 20 I got medication, antidepressants to be exact. In a few weeks my body blew up like a balloon, I seriously thought my boyfriend had shrunk my jeans when he did laundry. From being somewhat chubby I went to being decidedly overweight, around 85-90 kg (owning a scale has never been my strong point).

I lost that weight (some 10-15 kg) by quite literally starving myself for some months - two small portions of rice with fried onions a day was a luxury at that point (this was for financial reasons, not for weightloss reasons. I almost got scurvy and I had bleeding sores on my body and a cough that wouldn't go away. Don't imitate that way to lose weight.). As soon as I started eating closer to normal - three meals a day whereof at least one a "normal" portion instead of the bare minimum I could survive on - I regained the weight. I have later found out there are reasons for this and that I wasn't eating more than I thought (I was actually counting the strands of spaghetti to make sure I wasn't eating too much, not knowing why the weight popped back).  Recently I was made aware of this article, which goes some way to explain what was going on in my body.

Anyway, weight came back and settled. I tried losing it (and found out, among other things, that low carb makes me stupid as hell), and failed. It stayed, no matter what diet I tried, or what exercise I tried. I would lose five or ten kg, and they'd come back, and sometimes I would lose them without dieting, but just because my body seemed to have its own cycle of lower and higher weight. All in all it was stable, and I got used to it over the years (which pass quickly once you become an adult), and I got stronger, and more self-confident, and I was in pretty good shape beneath my blubber.

2011. The rheumatologist made me eat cortison pills for about six months (I quit on my own. She doesn't know yet.). I was unaware of, and unprepared for, the fact that people commonly gain weight when eating cortison. Enter another 15-20kg, suddenly over a few months. Now I am really fat. Obese, actually, according to the official scales. My jeans stopped fitting again. My stomach is in the way when I am going to sleep. There is too much of me. I don't feel in worse shape (if we for a moment pretend I don't have had a series of respiratory illnesses, colds and pneumonia, this autumn and winter), but I do have more baggage to lug around on. I feel fatter. I have hints of jowls. Where did my cheek bones go. But most of all it is physically in the way when I move the way I am used to. Tying shoe laces has become an issue. Embarrassing. I worry about my upcoming flight - if I will fit in the seat (though I did when going to Finland, at least that is a comfort).

I worry if I will be able to lose that extra weight, or if it will be as stubborn as the anti-depressant kilos were (by the way, the anti-depressants were within a couple of months found to be a wrong prescription for me, painful irony). Because I would like to lose it, at least get back to where I was a year ago. I  know I am still healthy underneath the double blubber, and that I can get in shape to deal with it without being too out of breath, but it is in the way and I would like to be able to wear my cool t-shirts again. Yea, such a silly reason, I know, but it is there.

But I would also like to feel sure that people I know aren't making fatty jokes behind my back. Is that very very much to ask for?

Respiration: The Sequel

I mentioned just before Christmas that I was having some sort of illness again - here are the dramatic details in short...:

I had been coughing intermittently for about a week, including the trip to Helsinki (which was splendid!), and Dec. 20. I suddenly had a quickly rising fever after lunch. I went home and rested the evening, but the morning after I was worse. So much worse, in fact, that a bit later in the day I called H to ask him to come keep an eye on me since I was hallucinating due to the fever. The day after, Thursday before Xmas, I was better, but Friday morning I realised that Xmas would have to be postponed for my part. (At this point H had already left, northbound, to visit his family over the holidays.) 

Christmas Eve my fever got worse again, and the cough was tiring me out. A call to the health advise phone line got me the not so helpful advise to go see a doctor immediately: My local Health Care Center was closed for the holidays and I wasn't even in shape to get my coat on unsupervised. I had hoped they would tell me it would pass with some more sleep. At this point cavalry in form of mother came thundering over from Norway to drag me off to the weekend open Doctor's Reception. There they diagnosed me with pneumonia and gave me penicillin (which I have later been told helps against very few kinds of pneumonia and not the common ones here and now and I should have been given something else immediately). 

A few days later the fever was down somewhat and mother went home. And NYE I had to crawl back to that weekend open place by taxi, being back to start. Got new (correct) antibiotics (the improvement had been my own immune system kicking back for a while), and went home again. The doctor thought I should be able to work again the following tuesday, which made me happy and hopeful. But already Sunday, the day after, I realised that was overly optimistic considering my fever. Monday morning I thus crawled (almost literally) down to my regular doctor to ask for an extended sick leave. Which was granted me, but he wanted to X-ray my lungs, and do some other checks, and since I was incapable of going to get that done he sent me by sick transport to the ER. Where they discovered that my blood was oxygen poor and decided to keep me. 

So, kidnapped by the health care system. They kept me in the hospital for three nights with oxygen tubes in my nostrils. Back home today since I was able to keep decent levels on my own as long as I breathe calmly and take it easy. 

Cat was mad that I had been gone, and he was also mad that H had rummaged through my stuff and taken things away (clean clothes for me). He is happy that I am home, apparently. 

Sick leave for another ten days, then evaluation. That means a MONTH down with what is basically a kindergarten infection. This is it, from now on I am wearing a mask at work when someone is ill. :P

New look

So, the promised new look of 2012 is up. What do you think?

Refresher

As the year draws to a close I have got some nasty bug that keeps me with 2c of fever even after taking medicines that should lower the fever. I spend my lucid moments online, among other things reviewing my blog.

Here is something which I think should be said again:
Solitude

Defining paradoxes

I posted this on G+ earlier, but decided to add it here too. 

I am going to go out on a limb here..

I have for several years been advocating against defining people, categorising them - it mostly appears when related to sexuality but far from absent in other situations. You have no idea how frustrated people get when they can't figure out the gender or age of someone - it is both amusing and sad to watch. I still think dispensing with this strange need to categorise is good.

But. I have realised that having definitions, having them written down somewhere, something that (most) people agree on, makes a helluva good reference point when you need to explain something. You (or I) don't have to invent the wheel all over again. Use the encyclopedia, the great vocabulary that already exists.

However: A lot of terms and definitions are contested.

Still: If you find some you agree with and that you feel suit your purpose of enlightenment... use them. If nothing else, you might feel less lonely realising someone else thought something along the same lines as you do now, some time.

Edit that was not included in the original post:

A lot of definitions are very binary; black or white. This is one reason to be careful. Remember the grey scale - and add a dash of colour while you are at it. 


Edit#2: I meant that I found using existing terms (that I didn't know about because I have been avoiding finding out) useful in explaining myself and what goes on in my own head. 

Snowless

My days nowadays mostly consists of work. New for this year is that during the autumn I was promoted to a manager position, for good and bad.
I also seem to have contracted some cousin to the dreaded winter depression: I am too happy to be called depressed, but I have the other symptoms I associate with depression from personal experience. I pretty much only feel awake when the sun is shining.

In total that means I am struggling to keep my head above the water at work, and actually prove that the decision to give me a new position was a good one. By nature I feel I am never good enough, so it means I am not enjoying my work as much as I used to. Hopefully that feeling will pass as I get a better grip of the new situation.

I did manage to find energy to make a bunch of christmas cards and ship them out before the post's international deadline. If you think you are on the shortened list this year, keep checking your mail box next week or so.

I am also experimenting with a new look for this place, if you want to be on the panel of advisors give me a shout. I might even let you.

I have two things to look forward to that might give me more energy than they take:

before Xmas I am going to Helsinki for a few days with mother, staying in a hotel (for the first time over there) but also catching up with some friends, not just being tourists. Also, buying tea at The Ounce is on my list of must-dos. Back in time for the holidays (I am "as usual" celebrating alone in sthlm).

In February I am going stateside for a couple of weeks, route is NC-FL-TX. Going to be plenty of fun, meeting cousins but also catching up with some friends. Really looking forwards to that trip - maybe too much, I am pretty much ready to leave, suitcase in the hallway and all. ;-)

I hope to finish the refurnishing of my flat before that trip however, I should start getting furniture deliveries next week. The much longed for new sofa and armchair/recliner, most importantly, but also a new coffee table. I did finally find a kitchen/dining table I liked, it was hideously expensive but I cashed out on an impulse, since I had found nothing else I liked that was in the right size. This one is made to measure, just for me. It will feel good to get rid of the cheapest-that-ikea-could-offer panic buys from when I moved in here, as well as some comfortable but somewhat ugly-coloured secondhand stuff. So, the end of my 6 month project of researching furniture and deciding what I want is actually coming to an end.

That doesn't mean I am out of projects: My bedroom is still a mashup of secondhand, bad choices, and mismatched items. Also I need to have a good look at the computer setup here, at least setting up a proper home network for the many computers and the network printer. I should also get some sort of network storage/backup storage, as well as investing in new hardware and retiring the old boxes sitting under my desk.

And that is not counting all the craft projects I have in mind.

Nightmares

I very rarely have nightmares. Maybe some of my dreams would class as nightmares if another dreamt them, but I mostly find them exciting and interesting and enjoy the action. Waking from actual nightmares is a rarity, happening maybe once a year or more rarely nowadays.

The night Fri-Sat (yesterday) I woke from a work-related nightmare, being told I was incapable of doing my job, should never have had the position and that there was no hope for me. It was extremely realistic (compared to what my dreams are mostly like) and I am not sure how I will react to meeting that person the coming week.

This morning around 4 am I again found myself awake with adrenaline thundering in my body, fight-or-flee! This was an extremely bleak post-apocalyptic scenario where people scuttled like bugs trying to avoid their robotic overlords, as well as a zombie-like (not quite, more like a crossover between a zombie and the aliens from Alien..) infestation among the "good guys". That one too had me really shook up. Normally such a dream wouldn't elicit such a response from me, and nightmares two nights in a row too suggests something is unbalanced in my brain. If it continues I will investigate.

The post-apocalyptic dream had me thinking back to "the" PA dream I have had (the ones I started writing down). There is a lot I never shared from those dreams. The moments in the mountains, for instance. Dancing in the desert landscape up there with the strangers and their fiddles. Human interaction which can hardly be described. The stories in my head wants out, but I don't have the time to tell them. Will I ever?

1st of Advent

While I am firmly atheist I have grown up with a bunch of traditions, so:

Also, I knitted another bracelet:

A Green Streak

Hairdying in progress and the result.

(PS: I was actually wearing a tank top on the first photo, but it isn't visible and it just looks all wrong. Sowwy.)

Holiday Edition

I was so annoyed with the appearance of the blog that there is now a temporary look in place for the holidays, which should give me time to think.

What do you think about it? No green at all this time.

Change

I changed the appearance of this place again, not liking the other one. Unfortunately I realised that I get dizzy if I scroll down the page with this background, so a remake is upcoming.

Christmas decorations

The Christmas decorations are up in most shops. Some does it better than others.