Regret

I do stupid stuff, say stupid things, feel even stupider things.

Drawback: I am not good at not knowing what to do, or letting time pass while not knowing, just letting things slide past. On the plus side: I am good at accepting and adapting to reality as long as its clear-spoken, just as I have nearly infinite patience as long as I know what is going on.

I do however regret following my own advice, even knowing it is the only way to make sure it does not hurt more later. But what has been said cannot be unsaid. There is a strange calm in that. Emptyness.

Everything comes to an end and some things before others. Soon it will be back to normal.

Nice guys

I get weary of male acquaintances complaining about being single and blaming it on them being "nice guys because girls don't like nice guys". 99% of the cases where I hear that complaint it is from a person I wouldn't class as a nice guy. A fun friend, perhaps, but sure as hell not someone I'd date or anything. You are single because you THINK you are nice and do nothing to better your ways.

Just a little rant.

...I guess I should follow my own advice and put an end to this silliness.

Anarchitektur

To work, to work, to work we go!

(Slightly related to Julia's t-shirt of the day posts, except I failed miserably in ALL the photos at actually getting the entire shirt).

Itchy itchy itchy

Something went terribly wrong today. With hindsight it could have been avoided – I felt a bit like I was on the brink of an allergic reaction or developing a cold all morning, but did not really think more about why. Went out for lunch with K., and ate things which I can normally (~always) eat without problems but which ARE on the List. An hour after lunch I was itching all over, scratching my scalp bloody, and then I watched the red start spreading from my fingertips and up my arms. Soaking my hands in cold water and using the cold hands on my face helped against the burning feeling, and now, a few hours later, the itching is also slightly better, so not a full-scale outbreak, but …gah. Close and it stressed me out, the itch drives me mad.

 

Have to think about what I eat for a few weeks, obviously. Hope the new medication is not involved in this!

Caffeinate Me

I cut a caffeine patch in four, going to ration it during the day to get a more continual effect and not a huge rush. Hopefully that will suffice to keep me going until at least five..!

Interrupted sleep

Overtired, so I cry a bit. Still can't really sleep, and after sleeping for two short stretches totalling 4,5 hours (with a long awake interval in between) I wake up at five and give up. Now it is just past seven and I am feeling a bit queasy with tiredness. I am going to need my caffeine patches today, that's for certain.

I am feeling a bit out of the loop with Iditarod, because I don't really want to pay for an insider account, and the blogs I have been following the former years aren't reporting, not having anyone over there. Hunting information takes time, but is rewarding.

And:
Current standings
Route and the checkpoints

Happy happy

Second anniversary of living here! 

Sunday again

Lime cheesecake filled chocolate/chocolate chip muffins.
That did not crash.

Semi-productivity

Decided I wanted to poke around with rings again yesterday.

Started out with 6in1 but decided it did not fall nicely, so poked out rings until it was a 4in1.
Fairly satisfied, think I might actually use these.

Spring Cleaning

Hey, look what I found! Are you going to brush me?

Three minutes of brushing with one hand and photoing with the other.

Curtain Away Spring

Sun.


Bright, bright light. Contrary to what you might think I am not
outdoors, I am in my bright, bright living room.

I made attempts at hanging up curtains, but I just don't have
the strength in my fingers to be able to clip them back on.

Shit.

Two minutes ago

Linus and Silme relaxing on the sofa on a saturday night.

Silme-Bot (again)

Be aware, be very aware.

Yet, no surprises here, right? This is totally correct.
Except I haven't, as far as I know, assassinated anyone at night,.
other than mosquitoes that has snuck into my bedroom.

Get Your Cyborg Name

Countdown

The week of little sleep is soon to begin.

One of Those Days

The combination Fixmer/McCarthy tends to mean a sound that is rather... NOT like this blippy catchy tune which took me by some surprise when I first heard it (normally a rather more industrial and rough sound). Or maybe it isn't catchy at all, just that it caught me on One Of Those Days when I first heard it? 

Still like it though. 

Spotify
Youtube

To fight a wizard with cold steel

I sleep.

I dream.

Friends from years back, that now live in countries I have barely been in, appear, with families I haven't met at all.

It is raining. Raining alot. The roads are flooding. A former colleague is driving a small french car through the rain, through the water, he is part of the resistance movement.

People are running on skis through the rain, we climb through the fence, stuffing the backpack through the hole we tore ahead of us. The muffins in the backpack are crushed.

It will never end, the rain, the flight. We must confront the danger.

I take my kitchen knives - the biggest and the smallest - and go to war. They sent me to gunfight with a knife. The sorcerer does not fight back in any physical way. When I throw the small knife it almost hits my own foot. I chop with the big knife and the sorcerer gets a second gaping mouth. He laughs through it and lifts his hand.

I run through the rain, my friends hide in eggs, and the eggs are crushed in the crash when the car water-planed.

Courage

I was very brave today. On shaky legs I walked down the stairs and faced my fears.

Zzzznore.

Sunday Routines

Sunday. Things to be done every week.
I am a creature of habit.

- laundry (check)
- cat's litterbox (check)
- trash out (check)
- spend lots of time on the net (check)
- lunch boxes for the beginning of the week (check)
- water plants (gotta remember before I go to bed)
- bake muffins (check!)


PS: The muffins didn't crash this time!

Mmmh, brains.....

A midday hour spent dozing under the duvet together with the cat, him stretched out on my stomach, his head nestled under my chin. Purr, he says. I fall asleep briefly a few times, drifting off. Then it is time to get back up, make coffee, eat something. He is offended, this is the best saturday we have spent together in ages, he protests.

Linus with the flash right in his face.

Crash Boom Bang

After missing out of sleep every night this week (unable to fall asleep and when I finally crash I sleep for 1,5-2 hours and then I am bright awake again), I started to crash around lunch friday. To keep going the rest of the day, I applied a caffeine patch - it was lovely, within a minute I could feel my face relaxing and my eyes opening again.

Alot more caffeine (350mg total) and about eight hours later I was home, after participating (for a while anyway) in the company's quarterly meeting+dinner/party. No alcohol for me, not with that tiredness - I would never have gotten home but be found in some snow drift monday.

The great thing about a caffeine high is that you crash...!

And I crashed. Around 11pm the world started spinning and I went to bed. It took a while but I fell asleep, and slept all of seven hours! Doesn't seem much when normally seven hours is the absolute minimum for me to function the day after, but after this week, it was blissful.

The thoughts of a lone wolf

I have earlier written about my wish to stay alone, to stay solitary, single. I am not sure I have written about why, or what it is like. The days are fast approaching the second anniversary of living in this flat, alone. Maybe that is why I spend so much time reflecting upon my situation. Maybe it is just because I cannot sleep and have too much awake time on my hands.

There are alot of advantages to living alone, to not answering to anyone but myself. I don't have to adjust to anyone in any matter: I sleep when I want to, I listen to what music I want to when I want to (even when I sleep), I can have silence when I want to. I have the freedom to eat or not as it suits me, and there's noone to complain that I am just eating bread and cheese or alittle cereal and not bothering cooking. The things I leave strewn around me bother noone but myself and I can tidy them up when they annoy me. I get to sleep alone every night, I get to sleep diagonally and using all the bed surface and my twisting and turning does not annoy anyone, I don't steal duvets or get duvets stolen or kick anyone or get kicked or pushed out of bed. There is freedom to not go out unless I want to, to simply stay in, to enjoy being a bit of a hermit, getting all my social input online in the form of text. Freedom to work as much as I like and can/have energy for.
And finally there is security. If I don't deal with people they cannot hurt me. I am safe against heartbreak, hurt, raised voices, angry silences, there is no fear of lifted hands, cowering in a corner. This is my domain and as there is only me here, I feel completely safe in all my rooms.

But it is not just bliss. There are things that hurt. Alone can be very lonely. Having to deal with anything the world chucks at me on my own, with my own resources, not having anyone to ask for help or just support in any decision or solution or action or problem is tough, although I know I grow stronger every time I manage. Talking to myself and the cat just to hear voices. Always sleeping alone, never any warmth or someone to cuddle close to at night. The ache that seems to sit somewhere in my spine for physical contact. Eating goes to hell because noone see that you don't eat properly, can't bother to cook just for one person, who cares anyway, I'll be dead soon. Never going out because of the lack of someone to do things with.

Most days I feel that the plus sides outnumber the minuses. I have been happier and mentally healthier in most ways since I moved here, better for every month. Alot of that has to do with feeling safe, finally.

However: There are two kinds of self-confidence - belief in one's own abilities and belief in one's own self worth as a person. The former is spiralling upwards in my case, while the second spirals ever downwards, the reason being my lack of social contact outside work, where my abilities is all that counts and I know I am good at what I do. But I am growing ever more convinced that I am unlovable and that I will never again have even close afk friends, too.

Where does the truth lie then? Somewhere inbetween I suppose. My best guess, letting my analytical abilities kick into action, is that I choose to not long for what I cannot have, make it my own decision. And is that such a bad thing?