Friday, 30 April 2010
I notice certain things in myself. Things that are not always good, things that are.. areas for development and change. A lot of the time this self-insight enables me to effect a change, for instance before my boss gets the chance to point it out.
Most of the things I notice are not relevant right at this moment, but one thing is (since it is at the forefront of my mind at this very moment):
I find myself hesitant to write, keeping things to myself that I would have blogged without hesitation (although some consideration) half a year ago or a year ago. Introversion on the rise – even online. And I don’t think that is a good thing, seeing as I am naturally introvert to begin with.
Why is this?
Hard to pinpoint. Knowing that some of my most regular readers are, in some ways, closer to me than I am used to? It is one thing writing for an audience which mostly exists only in text, only rarely seen in person, it is very different writing when people reading it are people I am not unlikely to meet tomorrow or later today, or that have a very active presence online. I feel more exposed, somehow. I know it is not true and nothing have changed from when I did not know they read it to now, but it feels different. I also find myself analysing my thoughts and trying to find out if they are somehow influenced by or relevant to people I know more than I used to, actively avoiding any reference to anyone. Again, limiting myself – my older policy of no names said unless they agree to be mentioned was better in that sense.
Stuff to ponder.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Sunday, 25 April 2010
They are going to mummify the house to do some work on the windows and balconies, so I will eventually have to clear out everything I have out there, and that unfortunately means all the plants that won't survive indoors in a darkened room (seeing as the windows will be blocked) will have to go. In that sense this wasn't so bad, it happened a bit earlier than anticipated.
So, I have to start afresh with my balcony garden.
I am thinking about bamboo, and gooseberries. Also more floral, decorative, but easier maintained than the roses - there got to be something out there.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Friday, 16 April 2010
Going to have another eye checkup today, so I will wind up without much sight for the evening (unless my sight magically recovers). Boredom awaits..
Looking at those two points I think I should find something positive to write - this was not meant as a whiny post. Actually, I can elaborate. I see the above as facts, not something awfully negative. They just are. They will pass.
My tulips are flowering in the balcony, that too will pass.
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Pollen season has however started meaning my eyes itch and want to close and my nose is dripping as soon as I venture outside.
Today my goal is to get this place cleaned up a bit. Tidying, vacuum cleaning, doing the dishes, mopping the kitchen floor. How hard can it be?
Thursday, 8 April 2010
And my hibiscus is still flowering, has been since september.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Spent some hours now trying to prepare myself for the yearly development meeting with my boss, which is to be held tomorrow. Hard to twist my brain around it.
Decided to take a few moments to take pictures of the things I did during the weekend instead.
Easter friday I tried to figure out how to fold a box out of a sheet of origami paper without tearing, cutting, glueing, taping or otherwise manipulating the paper - and I wanted to be able to both adjust the height/width and for it to be stable and not randomly collapse. The result (to be thrown away soon) was a series of four slightly ugly nesting boxes in paper, but I got the idea now.
Monday, 5 April 2010
I had to cancel all plans, including gaming and going out and doing things (possibly museums or such or at least going for a walk). Sucks.
Today I am well enough to make attempts at cooking for the first time (it took till yesterday before I actually felt well enough to cut slices off the cheese). Hope it'll only be a couple of days more - thursday I -have- to be at work and well!
Lots and lots and lots of garlic will help I hope.
At least I can sleep again.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
I have backspaced so many false starts I have lost count.
I guess it is not yet time for those thoughts to wind up here, in that sense - I do not seem ready for writing them. Or maybe it will always be this difficult to put words to it. Nonetheless, I will make an attempt today, before it is too late and I postpone it forever.
This is likely to be disjointed and weird, and I am not going to read through it before I post it, for fear I will delete it all again.
When I was.. 16 or 17, I discovered IRC. Since then it has been a part of my life, providing social input, new friendships, contact with old friends, late night discussions and the teaching of practical stuff - like making chainmail.
For as long as there has been IRC in my life, there has also been B.
In shorter periods, one or both of us has been gone, but we have always returned and always continued talking.
Along with Mike he taught me about crafting chainmail. We have come up with wild schemes, and suggestions of how to fix things. He helped me find the right parts to buy when I needed to replace my computer (the computer still runs - good job). We talked about books, and roleplaying games, and weapons. About the apocalypse and crazy survivalist schemes. I remember one plot we made about squatting (none of us having any resources to actually buy anything) a nice old abandoned factory in the forest - we actually even found the place we wanted, and made plans for its defense. We were both somewhat withdrawn, a bit unhappy in the modern society, where I believe (we never spoke about it directly) we both felt that we did not fit in. We both tried to end our existance several times. We never spoke about that either.
Not too long ago we spoke about tools. My tools are too many to fit in the tool box, so I have moved alot of them over in the clothes chest I have. "You can never have too many tools. You must hoard tools like treasure. The one with the most tools when he dies wins!" he told me. I smiled and felt less like a fool with my tool treasure hoard.
We never met IRL.
Sunday evening, a week ago, I was still in Finland, the evening before heading back to Stockholm. I borrowed Mika (Beledra's SO)'s computer to check in my flight, and also logged onto IRC.
I learnt that B was gone, that he had ended his own life the friday before.
It was not a surprise, but it was still a shock. I froze. Tried to come up with a suitable response. Thanked for the information. Almost thanked for it coming through IRC, so I would not have to control my facial expression or give a suitable response vocally. Thought that it was suitable in a way, that his end should be communicated to me through the same media I knew him. Blinked. Tried to take it in. Pain. Loss. "I am doing rather well", his friend that informed me said. A barb of guilt through me, it was his friend, I should have asked how he was, selfish selfish me. I corrected my responses accordingly. I didn't even know B IRL, I don't have the right to feel this bad, swallow it you silly cow. Behave courteously and caring towards those alive who knew him, who has the right to sorrow. There you go, good girl!
That night I kept waking with a gasp. Gonegonegonegonegone! roaring through my brain. On the verge of panic.
Monday. Trip to the airport, waiting in the airport, too many hours to think. Sitting on the plane. Sitting on the bus back to Stockholm city. I wrote down some of my thoughts, and reactions. The guilt of my sorrow, that it felt like I have no right to this feeling. The guilt of not thinking of others first but only my own reactions. I did not write down the cold feeling in my gut, that it could have been me, oh, it could have been me. To sleep.
On the airport coach from Arlanda, sitting and watching the grey, snowless landscape with black tree limbs stretching towards the sky, I found some sort of peace with it. It was his choice. And he sleeps now, he is at peace. Whatever happens, he is no longer suffering. Maybe we could have done more, could have been there for him, could have forced him, but it is not sure it would not just have brought more suffering. I respect his choice and determination. I envy him his peace.
Sleep well, my friend.
To make peace with his decision and departure is not the end of the pain, of course. It is a first step. This week has been a rough series of admitting at work I wasn't feeling well at all and why, of reaching out to his friends (through IRC of course) and admitting my feelings, of informing other people who knew him online, and tears, ever tears. Listening to music I associate with him (oh, how much music he pushed on me through the years!). Sitting with my arms around my knees, huddled, feeling alone with the loss.
There is a way yet to go. Eventually it will be easier. I know that, even though I do not feel it at the moment.
I wish I knew how to honour him. I wish I was allowed to take a formal farewell, like IRL-friends are allowed to, I don't know, go to a funeral or something. Get an end to it, peace of mind. How conflicted it becomes with the modern way of connecting. Internet people are real people too, but to what degree are we allowed to behave towards them as we would to people we know as more than text on a screen? I have seen this discussion brought up earlier in the Swedish blogosphere but I had not expected to have to take a stand myself. Yet I know I am too timid to reach out more than this, and that this is likely to all there is to show for it for me.
It hurts to touch my tools, an overlay of his face covers the work in my hands. I promised yesterday I will not stop creating, not stop my crazy ideas, and if I get the chance, I shall fix an office chair with a boot. For him. Yesterday I made myself sit with the rings and pliers for several hours, creating. It was difficult, but there was a certain peace to it after a while. Four in one, falling nicely through my hands. He would have approved, I am sure.
Sleep well, my friend.
The Cyborg Name Generator knew who he was. That is how I will try to remember.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Friday I went to Hyvinkää to see Kasha - and the cats. For some reason I have no photo of Jinx (Omen's sister) - but here is Saffy (the blue) and Omen. And Kasha. Please don't kill me.
Saturday was spent with the #tolkieneers at Bleadof's place: Great company and much fun. And a bit of music show as a few brave souls performed with Guitarhero Rockband for the rest of us. Blea baked vegan brownies with way too much sugar. We went out and drank beer. And walking around wasting time waiting for a bus that turned up to not go at all; we came across this mad thing on the ground outside the church entrance. Click to enlarge... Wow. There was thousands, my photoes does not show it.
The best thing about being in Finland is that I can eat all the food I miss like mad. Thanks to Halfie for posing with the bread (which she also had missed)!
And rye-burgers at Hesburger, too.
Sunday we went back south to Helsinki and I sat around at Beledra/Hanna's floor drinking tea from multiple mugs. Everything as normal in other words.
And monday I went back to Stockholm aboard this bird.