Wednesday, 12 February 2014


What would it be like if we were to treat our lovers more like friends and/or our friends more like lovers?


  1. The short answer: I think that would be fine >:)

    Love is often accompanied by jealousy. Sometimes there can be too much of both. I might elaborate on this some time later.

    Cold As Heaven

    1. I'd be interested in reading.

      Jealousy is interesting!

      I am an intensely jealous person at times. Jealousy is fear of abandonment - a primal fear that has to do with survival. Identifying the trigger and working on it (not by avoiding/forbidding it but by working on the phobic reaction) is a really useful relationship tool. In that sense I think jealousy is healthy - if you are willing to talk about it and work on it.

      I told you I like talking about these things.. :)

    2. You're probably right about the primal origin of jealousy.

      I'm usually not a jealous person. I'm in favor if freedom in most respects, both for others and for myself.

      From a biological and evolution point if view, humans have hardly changed since the stoneage. Jealousy competes with other desires that control our behavior. This probably works somewhat different for men and women >:)

    3. More freedom = Less control, and vice versa. I tend to be in favour of freedom and communication (including volunteering information, not a "don't ask don't tell" policy!) - "Respekt, sunt förnuft och omtanke".

      Do you think it does? I wonder. I haven't seen any serious studies (these things have plenty of studies but few are actually serious and welldone). My intuitive reaction was that perhaps it will differ in the big picture, but you'd have to do a study within countries or cultures, because so much of this is nurture rather than nature as well (and most of the gendered difference is likely to be nurture). And once you get down on individual levels the difference isn't going to be between men and women, but between individuals anyway. No two are going to react the same, and when the reaction is similar it might as well be between a man and a woman with a bigger difference to another woman or so.

      My own reactions are largely grounded in something that happened 30 years ago. Something that happened in one's past that strengthened the lizard brain reaction.

    4. Yes, more freedom = less control. I don't want to be controlled, and I don't want to control other people (that's a reason why I don't want to become a manager, and I always had a very good relation with bosses who gives me freedom).

      Our behavior is a mix of nature (instincts and desires), and society (norms and control). Different people are different when it comes to he balance between the two counteracting forces.

      I think men and women are different. This can be explained with a biological mwodel (later). An individual says nohing about the trend. You might have encountered a sample at the tail of the statistical distribution. You need many samples to find the trend.

      There are behavior psychologists who research this (I'm not one of them, I'm a (geo)phycisist)

  2. I am still thinking about this question and what it means to me. From both sides - how do I treat people, how would I like to treat people, and - how do people treat me, how would I like to be treated?

    1. Yes, sure. This is not a question one gets quickly finished with. There are other related questions that take some thinking


Be nice!