Sunday, 28 February 2010

Sunday Routines

Sunday. Things to be done every week.
I am a creature of habit.

- laundry (check)
- cat's litterbox (check)
- trash out (check)
- spend lots of time on the net (check)
- lunch boxes for the beginning of the week (check)
- water plants (gotta remember before I go to bed)
- bake muffins (check!)


PS: The muffins didn't crash this time!
Mmmh, brains.....

Saturday, 27 February 2010

A midday hour spent dozing under the duvet together with the cat, him stretched out on my stomach, his head nestled under my chin. Purr, he says. I fall asleep briefly a few times, drifting off. Then it is time to get back up, make coffee, eat something. He is offended, this is the best saturday we have spent together in ages, he protests.
Linus with the flash right in his face.

Crash Boom Bang

After missing out of sleep every night this week (unable to fall asleep and when I finally crash I sleep for 1,5-2 hours and then I am bright awake again), I started to crash around lunch friday. To keep going the rest of the day, I applied a caffeine patch - it was lovely, within a minute I could feel my face relaxing and my eyes opening again.

Alot more caffeine (350mg total) and about eight hours later I was home, after participating (for a while anyway) in the company's quarterly meeting+dinner/party. No alcohol for me, not with that tiredness - I would never have gotten home but be found in some snow drift monday.

The great thing about a caffeine high is that you crash...!

And I crashed. Around 11pm the world started spinning and I went to bed. It took a while but I fell asleep, and slept all of seven hours! Doesn't seem much when normally seven hours is the absolute minimum for me to function the day after, but after this week, it was blissful.

Friday, 26 February 2010

The thoughts of a lone wolf

I have earlier written about my wish to stay alone, to stay solitary, single. I am not sure I have written about why, or what it is like. The days are fast approaching the second anniversary of living in this flat, alone. Maybe that is why I spend so much time reflecting upon my situation. Maybe it is just because I cannot sleep and have too much awake time on my hands.

There are alot of advantages to living alone, to not answering to anyone but myself. I don't have to adjust to anyone in any matter: I sleep when I want to, I listen to what music I want to when I want to (even when I sleep), I can have silence when I want to. I have the freedom to eat or not as it suits me, and there's noone to complain that I am just eating bread and cheese or alittle cereal and not bothering cooking. The things I leave strewn around me bother noone but myself and I can tidy them up when they annoy me. I get to sleep alone every night, I get to sleep diagonally and using all the bed surface and my twisting and turning does not annoy anyone, I don't steal duvets or get duvets stolen or kick anyone or get kicked or pushed out of bed. There is freedom to not go out unless I want to, to simply stay in, to enjoy being a bit of a hermit, getting all my social input online in the form of text. Freedom to work as much as I like and can/have energy for.
And finally there is security. If I don't deal with people they cannot hurt me. I am safe against heartbreak, hurt, raised voices, angry silences, there is no fear of lifted hands, cowering in a corner. This is my domain and as there is only me here, I feel completely safe in all my rooms.

But it is not just bliss. There are things that hurt. Alone can be very lonely. Having to deal with anything the world chucks at me on my own, with my own resources, not having anyone to ask for help or just support in any decision or solution or action or problem is tough, although I know I grow stronger every time I manage. Talking to myself and the cat just to hear voices. Always sleeping alone, never any warmth or someone to cuddle close to at night. The ache that seems to sit somewhere in my spine for physical contact. Eating goes to hell because noone see that you don't eat properly, can't bother to cook just for one person, who cares anyway, I'll be dead soon. Never going out because of the lack of someone to do things with.

Most days I feel that the plus sides outnumber the minuses. I have been happier and mentally healthier in most ways since I moved here, better for every month. Alot of that has to do with feeling safe, finally.

However: There are two kinds of self-confidence - belief in one's own abilities and belief in one's own self worth as a person. The former is spiralling upwards in my case, while the second spirals ever downwards, the reason being my lack of social contact outside work, where my abilities is all that counts and I know I am good at what I do. But I am growing ever more convinced that I am unlovable and that I will never again have even close afk friends, too.

Where does the truth lie then? Somewhere inbetween I suppose. My best guess, letting my analytical abilities kick into action, is that I choose to not long for what I cannot have, make it my own decision. And is that such a bad thing?

Thursday, 25 February 2010

No guilty pleasures

Julia writes about "No guilty pleasures" and liking chubby nerdy boys/girls. It's in Swedish but go read it, you can probably deal with the language with a little bit of effort on your part. I totally agree with everything she says.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Five quick entries

Most of stockholm seems to be blogging about trains and other public transportation. So I will try to avoid that. Suffice to say I never got to work today, after waiting for an hour for a replacement bus for the metro OR for a regular bus, neither of which came, I went home and worked from home the rest of the day. There was people that had been there for two hours.

My cat is very happy that I have been home, and seems completely convinced that it is all for his sake. I think I might harbour similar illusions if I was the one being left at home alone five days a week every week. Loneliness sucks!

I have been thinking, and reminding myself what went wrong with N, because sometimes I think it wasn't so bad. A refresher of what I am (and am not) today versus what I was and what I could have been, and how it got that way, was healthy. All noted down in my notebook.

Yep. I have kept my new year promise and have been rather faithfully writing one page in the notebook daily since newyear. I think maybe I've missed seven days altogether so far which all in all isn't that bad in a fiftythree day stretch. It is not really a diary, I just write what is on my mind. It is for me, and for my eyes, so I can write anything. It is like speaking to myself. Strange business. But probably not bad for me in any way.

And finally: I have baked muffins three out of four weekends lately. I hand them out at work. The last batch actually is with blueberries, thus I will not eat a single one since I don't like blueberries at all. I seem to be on a baking roll though.. and, by the way, large colourful paper muffins forms bought at Åhlens SUCKS. They collapse. Completely.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Arctic Snowstorm Safari

Deliana asked me thursday if I wanted to come along to Barkarby (among other things, Ikea, but also other shops - she was buying paint for her kitchen) saturday - that is today. I went "whoaa scary" but I actually agreed. And I stood by it and got myself out the door this morning.

The morning's facebook statuses went like this:

Silme is planning to risk her life in a dangerous expedition today.
Silme: :-o
Deliana: Adventure!

Deliana förbereder sig för shoppingsafari i Barkarby (translation: is preparing for a shopping safari to Barkarby)
Silme: See you soon!

At just past noon we met at the commuter train station in B-by.. and immediately caught a bus onwards, getting to do some exciting sightseeing in parts of Stockholm none of us were particularly familiar with. The cold was killing us, almost bad enough to make us cancel - but cancelling would mean it wouldn't happen, knowing us!

I can say this however. No safari. More like an arctic expedition.

The cold persisted, with added wind and then flurries of snow that turned into an even white foggy condition with almost no visibility. We could see the signs that signals a zebra crossing, just over a meter away, but the problem: A meter high snow drift inbetween us and the crossing. How to get there? This kept happening repeatedly. At one point we were walking against the car-current in McD's drive-thru because it was the only place the snow was removed that was pointing in approximately the direction we wanted to go.

I almost bought new boots, warm lined and taller in the calf (but my budget is tight and I put them back and continued having frozen toes.

I wanted to take photos, but I couldn't find the self discipline to make myself take off my mittens to take out the camera.. and I doubt I would have gotten anything other than white anyway, seeing as we could barely see where we were going.

At one point we were clambering up onto a snow drift, helping eachother along, then sliding down a steep slope before wading through the snow to get back onto the road. In other words: sidewalks/pedestrian roads/etc were not really available. In the summer they are there but not now.

Very exciting day all in all. The buses ran as scheduled however, a minor miracle. And Ikea wasn't too bad, the weather kept people away (although the wardrobe section was extremely crowded!). Deliana helped me home with my catch (I was intending to buy a stool to use by the computer and some sheets, but wound up with two large laundry baskets woven from some leaf, a new tea pot, four matching cups and sugarbowl+milk jug in the same series as well. And silicone muffin forms since it seems I am on a roll with baking.) - thanks a bunch! Hope you got home safely...

Now: Tea. I cannot bear to go out again to buy bread. Weather stops me firmly from any such thoughts. My legs and hands are aching, the cold has kicked the inflammation in my joints into full gear it seems. But, I got outdoors, which is good.

Still.. SAFARI!

Update at 21:15 - Deli left here around three hours ago, but she is still stuck in Stockholm since all trains are cancelled. "As I said, adventure.." she says via text messages. Shite.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Resign and regret

My face feels stiff, a hard mask over the real me. I sit awkwardly inside a shell that feels clumsy and jerky, like a misaligned marionette. The movements of the bus is throwing me around, I lack the strength to stiffen myself against the g, yet I find the strength to punch the (empty) seat in front of me repeatedly.

Waiting for the bus earlier I opened my coat to the icy wind, letting the cold ground me, still me. The cold, like a tourniquet, keeping everything inside me, keeping my emotions from bleeding out. Fifteen minutes in the cold in just a thin shirt leaves me barely shivering, but oh so cold, and it makes me feel lonely. This is news to me, I did not know it, but I recognise it now: Being cold makes me feel lonely, and abandoned, and unloved. But it also acts like a physical barrier, and now the benefits are too great to consider put my coat back on, even though the joints in my hands are cramping due to extended chill.

I care too much, yet not enough. Can it ever be enough? I sometimes worry that I am playing favourites, but they are all individuals and all so amazing, even if I do click better with some than others. It is the second time I have been handed a resignation, last time about a year ago. It went better this time, at least as long as I was still sitting in the conference room. I believe I handled it professionally. Generously even. Knowing it was the last time, I let some of my usual restraint go, and I hope I did something good by it. Hope that I could give something for the future. It is the least I can do.

Fifteen minutes after the meeting ended I was cracking though, and ran out of the office without finishing my tasks (forgotten, and important - I had to call my colleague and beg her to take care of it when I realised ten minutes later). And then I was there, barely missing a bus, having to wait fifteen minutes for the next, wanting to howl. It's like losing family.

Should I care less, try to distance myself? Or is this level of care for the staff I am responsible for good? I don't know. And I could speculate forever into the reasons for my reaction.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Endorphine High

This is probably less funny when I write it here.

Since I have struggled with an aching neck/shoulders and severe headaches and migraines for two weeks I had a chiropractor appointment this afternoon. That went well and my neck is now better. Hopefully it will take out the headaches too.

But the endorphine rush was rather unexpected (I have gotten similar treatments before and not reacted that strongly) - he warned me before I went that my pupils were distended but I didn't comprehend. Result: It took me two hours to get home, instead of about 40 minutes. An hour later I was FURTHER AWAY from home, after making two bad choices and among other things going with a bus in the wrong direction, all the way to the end stop.

Hrrm. Yea. Clever me.

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Second sight

I get a bit superstitious sometimes. Coincidences seem too bloody unlikely. How can one KNOW something that way?

My best explanation is that one hears, reads things, picks up information - not necessarily consciously, but the subconscious processes it and arrives at its own conclusions.

I actually hope that is it.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Basking Shark

I love this photo, it looks like a happy toothless old man. I cannot help smiling back.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

A commute without music is threatening on the horizon...

I have a small iAudio flash-player that I bought four years ago. It has served me well and still does, many hours a day, but it is dying - there's a problem with the contact for the headphones and I have to twist the contact a certain way. Also it randomly shuts down and resets itself, and due to its age updating it or fixing it is fairly out of the question.

I need a replacement.

I prefer iAudio (among other things because I have a bunch of .ogg files I can't be bothered to encode to something most players will accept, and because the sound is superior!). I want it to be a small player, NOT something the size of a mobile phone. I have a mobile phone which plays music, its too lumpy and big and annoys me (and it isn't, really, but I prefer the player the size of a memory stick). I don't want a shuffle player, I -like- listening to whole albums, I also like to check what I am listening to since I frequently get new music to bring with me on my commute.

There are iAudios out there but the ones I want (physical size related) are just old enough that I can't find anywhere to buy them. I found one on amazon but they won't send it to Sweden.

HELP ME! Find me a nice small iAudio that will be sent here, or that can be sent via someone nice that will forward it to me!

Being without music on my commute would suck SO much. Music is almost as important as breathing!

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

...For that sake...

For that sake, I am rather enamoured by these Flash Gordon carpets. And there are a bunch of others too, including a Phantom one as example too. I could cover ALL my floors in these!

In fact, all the other series of carpets they have give me cravings too. Like, look at these:
ViewMaster - added the photos further down in this post!
Danger (more photos under the Mistral category).
Aaron Copland (also Mistral).
John Cage (also Mistral).
Fern (Mistral as well).
Classic (more photos found under Taifun).




Buy me a Modesty Carpet!

Here!

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

My point of view affects my opinion of people...

Last time I was at the dentist I disliked the woman immensely and I thus tried to get an appointment with a different one this time. The woman on the phone stonewalled me however and I found myself going to the same. Oh well. “No matter”, I thought. “It is going to cost a fortune anyway, I will just have to tell her to pick the most important items and ignore the rest!”

 

Well, today I had my appointment and I found myself thinking she is quite a nice lady.

 

Why this change of mind? Rather simple – she told me there was nothing wrong with my teeth whatsoever except for a sharp edge which she polished smooth for me (no pain!), and that she will see me again for a checkup in a year. All at half the cost of what I expected the appointment to cost!

 

Yes, a nice lady indeed.

 

 

Monday, 8 February 2010

More doodles and other small things

1) Two bookmarks I stitched up lately (embroidery is one of the few things I can do with a headache - a remnant from my 2008-concussion when I discovered it does not take any brainpower).
2) Miniature chainmail bracelet with glass beads.
3) A magnet from a Cauldron Christmas card sendout - 2007 I believe. I made alot of snowman Achmeds and tiny Rhaps'es.
4) Work doodles became magnets - there's more of them at work, including a dragon and a snail.
5) Another magnet, with cinnamon and aniseed.
6-8) Linus wanted to be in the picture too when I initially tried taking a picture of one of the bookmarks. If it wasn't a paw, or four, it was his butt.






























































Hey, Mqs, look what I found!

Saturday, 6 February 2010

February Kitchen Window

This orchid was accidentally overwatered and drowning, and to save itself it started new plants further up on itself. MUTANT!

























Noone seem to have informed my plants that it is dark and freezing out there. Right before christmas everything started budding and/or flowering. There are more orchids flowering in the living room and bedroom.

Neck Warmer





I bought better glue, fixed my
knitting needles, and finished
the neck warmer. I decided to
add bright buttons to it instead
of stitching it together. Sorry
Håkan, don't think it's your
style anymore.. :-P

Doodle

I have always been doodling, ever since I first began school my margins have been filled. It is not something that have gone away with age and experience. Here is a small part of the last weeks crop. Some of it is heavily influenced by my headaches, which have been bad enough to make me retch and see dark spots and think I am fainting.

Linus got a lady-visitor

...something which he did not seem to mind in the least. Good since it is the new cat-sitter! Trial night at her place sometime in february or early march.

Embla

Big feet, green eyes, curious nature, happy smile. A young visitor at work called Embla, something like five or six months old.