Friday I got to thinking about context.
Setting 1: Crowd of acquaintances, bar, noiselevel: Loud but one can talk with raised voices in small groups.
I frequently find myself the Listener, only sometimes trying to awkwardly add something in a self-conscious attempt to participate.
Setting 2: Small office at work, three union board colleagues are sitting on chairs.
I am pacing the three possible steps back and forth, waving my arms around, pulling at my hair, talking so fast I stumble, interrupting myself, frustrated that I can't just export all the things I want them to, need them to, know and give it to them, nervous energy making me vibrate.
Both are undoubtedly me, and neither is better than the other, both are Not-Me too - a kind of warped me, negative energy me, un-zen me, off balance. But in one I am highly communicative, the former I am withdrawn, mostly thinking, either not finding words or dismissing my thoughts as unsuitable.
