The urge to run away is severely hampered by the fact that I walk with a cane.
So tired, mentally tired, in physical pain, slow brain due to physical circumstances, endorphines. Distracted. Processing slowly. I want to talk but I don't have the energy to interrupt and it turns out if there are more then one other person noone listens when I speak, they speak over and around me. I am too slow, too banal, too technical, literal, unfunny, all the usual, presumably. No matter, I am not participating, and I want to.
I shouldn't have come yet I am glad I did, I feel affection for them, I have missed them.
I should go home, but I'll have another beer, see if by waiting I'll get company on the trip home. A beer turns into a drink too, my leg hurts, my hip will stop carry me any moment, need to sit, can't sit on the step, would block the door, no chairs free, don't want to take someone else's chair, no!
A good friend is talking, I can't tell if he is joking, being serious; being mean or just oblivious. I logically see that he is probably messing with me but I can't feel it, it's bloody serious. I treat him like he is joking and it seems it was correct. Shaking, want to cry. Everybody seem hostile under the surface, I can't judge anymore.
Someone else have brought a pet, I am afraid of it, he is keeping a loose leash despite knowing I am afraid, lets go of the leash altogether, the furball runs towards me, I almost panic, so thin a veneer of normality already, can barely keep it together. I do not think he is doing it on purpose but I will have to talk to him when I am calmer, this is driving me away, fast.
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| Picture of cane taken at home. |
I shouldn't be here. Too tired to interpret the actions of this alien race, too tired to wear my human mask, people are starting to comment.
Time to run away.
Run, huh, who am I fooling. Hobbling down an alley with my cane, more like, almost falling once, catching myself against a corner. I don't think anyone I know saw, don't think anyone looked once I was a few steps away. Embarrassed about my physical weakness, far more embarrassed about my mental weakness.