Friday, 22 January 2021

Isolation, conversations, and touch

Ten months and more at home. I've seen a friend on average a couple of times a month but usually briefly, the neighbours in the hallway a handful of times, and gone for a walk with two coworkers on separate days. I've been to the post office three times and the supermarket once, and had one doctors visit. The rest of the time I've been alone. 

Being alone was good in many ways. I was ready for the downtime, annoyed at the social situations I found myself in (mostly bars, concerts, etc), feeling very tired. But I've had enough. 

I want a hug. To touch skin.

I want to talk to someone about something not work. 

I want to meet a stranger and have a conversation about something interesting. Hear a new voice. 

I want to have deep philosophical conversations, the ones where you bare your soul for a moment. Solve world problems. Realise how much you suck since you can't fix your own, banal, problems. Feel that deep love towards the person you're talking with, your fellow human, your friend. 

Tuesday, 19 January 2021


 We finally got some snow, and I've spent a week far more outdoors than I usually prefer. It's so nice, I just walk. I am still rehabbing myself and I shouldn't yet walk much more than 4km, and I'm not walking fast, but I'm just out, rambling, wonder where this road, this path goes. Looking for darkness, too - places without streetlights. With the dense cloud cover reflecting light from the nearby city back down, and the snow reflecting the light back up again, it's not dark even technically away from artificial lights. 

I haven't met much people at all in the past ten months, and I'm losing pretense at civilisation despite living in the suburbs of a larger scandilander city. This started affecting my clothes sometime in the fall when I started working in sweatpants for thr first time in my life (yes, even from home), but I think the new low was when I went to the post office and then for a walk dressed in my long underwear and a pyjama hoodie (and warm shoes and a knitted hat). With just a couple of degrees below freezing that was perfect. It's been colder before yesterday. It's easier to dress for proper cold weather. Today it rained, and the snow along any roads are already grey salty powder, now turning into slush. 

I've been painting inspired by my walks. I have been thinking a lot about my own sense of identity and whether I live up to that. I think that, with disability and absentmindedness and time passing faster and faster and many more things, I only have a partial match, and it's been like that for a long time. It means I cannot effectively explain who I am. 

I had initially planned to attack this by finding out who I am now. What things do I actually do, how do I actually live, what things do I still actively care about? 

But somewhere in that thought process I also realised that some of that identity, the lost parts, are things I identify with because they give me joy. I might not have done them much but they give me intense joy. So I decided to start reclaiming those identities instead. Being outside is part of that. I have always loved being outside in autumn and winter. I hate insects, this is perfect. So I'm outside walking. And just sitting, down by the lake, with a thermos of tea. 

I'm painting more and more, because that is also something I miss. It is a creative activity wholly unlike the slow methodical approach my textile crafts demand. I am still working with yarn too, it is soothing. But I am also trying things outside my comfort zone. In many many ways. And I have an ambition of continuing to challenge myself, find my pain and joy points more actively than I have done for some years. 

Wednesday, 6 January 2021

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy

 I have for some time wanted speakers in my bedroom so I can listen to music here too. I finally got around to setting up some ok speakers that were surplus in my livingroom, and I put on a record I haven't really listened to as a whole before. I usually listen to music as I fall asleep. 

I...  think I've sabotaged my sleep now?Having decent sound rather than my phone speakers... is distracting. LOVELY. But lying in the darkness listening to music I get caught up. I am not sure if I am a genious or my own worst enemy.

Sunday, 3 January 2021

End of the holidays

Despite rumours to the contrary, I do decorate for the end of year holidays. Yule goats, space animals, and a decorated succulent to prove my point:

Tomorrow it is back to work. I'm looking forwards to talking to my coworkers again. Today I'm removing most traces of yule from my home - it is time to move on.