Sunday, 19 August 2012

Oblivious

I am a slow thinker. But I think a lot - and that means that I do other things slowly too. Showering for instance. This afternoon I have taken a short but ridiculously slow shower here at Sunset RV Park, Bee Cave, Texas. And I have been thinking, continuing a line of thought started up in Montana more than a week ago.
In a way I wish I was less socially competent. I think that sounds like a weird statement. But that is my conclusion. I wish I didn't notice when what I say has no interest to the listener(s), that I could happily chatter on. Instead I fall silent, pull back, listen, wind up as a non-participant in the group, because I lose confidence and don't know what to say instead. I try a dozen lines in my head but none make it past my self-erected barrier. It is difficult for others to get me to participate too, because of that same insecurity. I sit there, silent and unhappy, half-listening, half trying to come up with something to say.
I guess in the end, when I am not working with what I know and am good at, I feel too large and clumsy, both physically and socially. And I wind up wishing I was alone, safe in my hermitage, out of reach of social interaction. I so want to be liked and to be able to participate, and I hurt myself so terribly every time I fail.
I have failed a lot on this journey. It is a long time since I felt this lonely and lacking in self-worth. I know it is a situation I create for myself, and in a way that makes it even worse. Another failure.
And a final word: My dears, I am so sorry for all the times I make you uncomfortable by blurting a truth that sounds like an accusation when it's all in my head. I hear it and I wince and want to take it back. So sorry.
(This post is written on my cellphone. Any incoherence is to be blamed on the combination of my short-term memory and the fact that I can only see one sentence at a time.)

Friday, 3 August 2012

Update

I have spent several hours so far on this trip trying to upload photos here. For some reason it just isn't working. So, finally, I will write a little withour photos..

As I write this it is just past seven in the morning here in Salt Lake City, Utah. No matter where I am I seem to wake up with the dawn... Last night I actually felt tired when I went to bed and I slept for eight hours straight which is practically unheard of, and certainly hasn't happened so far on this trip (for various reasons).

I am going to give a more detailed account of the trip, with photos, when I get home. But in short, things really have changed. Of course, I was always aware of what could go wrong, where the weak spots where, but well... There are some things I really would have liked to do.

While I was on the flight from Stockholm to New York, things happened stateside. Kate's brother wrecked her car, which we were supposed to be leaving with. Oops. Chaos ensued (this is where more details will be filled in later). In the end we had to fly out to SLC, which means I missed meeting Ethan on the way here, and being carless here it looks as if we might miss the Hot Club of Cowtown concert tuesday too. We won't make it to the west coast, that's for certain.

We did make it in time for the bachelorette party yesterday, and today we are all headed up into the Uintas where the wedding will be held tomorrow.Next week we will go north to Yellowstone with the newlyweds and their families. After that this part of the trip will be over and I am flying back to Texas, then to NC a bit over a week later.

Things have at times felt fairly dramatic, my bank account is screaming in pain, but I am as usual fairly unruffled, though vaguely annoyed when people at FB press "like" on posts where we inform of things having gone wrong. On the other hand, apart from some uncomfortable hours spent sleeping on a sidewalk, I guess I have always been fairly safe, mostly thanks to my friends popping out of the woodwork and keeping things from getting totally out of hand. At this point, special thanks to Mike, who at the moment (but subject to change) holds hero status with the two of us after giving us somewhere to sleep for three nights and then going beyond any reasonable expectation by taking us both to the beach and in to Manhattan on a guided tour, among other things. I promised him that I would sing his praise on the blog, as any hero deserves.

Now, off to repack my stuff. Just bringing what I need for the weekend instead of lugging it all around.