Arrival

Home. There will be an account of my trip a bit later. Maybe today. Maybe sometime during the coming week.

For the first time since I left thursday morning, I felt like I was abroad when I arrived in Sweden today. Such a strange place.

But I still haven't started packing. However I know where I am going when and how, and I know when I am leaving home, and I know what I have to do tonight!

Absence

I have been busy preparing for the trip to Finland - I am leaving tomorrow - and today my mother is coming here. Thus there has been and will be fairly little activity here for a week or so.


Thursday: Helsinki - meeting up with Hanna, Hanna and Jussi (and possibly others) for some coffee and hanging out. Crashing at Hanna's place, meeting her SO.
Friday: Hanging out with Kasha.
Saturday: Departing for Jyväskylä with a bunch of IRC-people, reunion time! Going to be great so see all the lovely people again after all these years.
Sunday: Back to Helsinki and Hanna.
Monday: Plane back to Stockholm

I suppose I will have opportunity to check my email while I am gone so if you are in .fi, see this and want to catch up with my mad travelling and socialising tour, drop me a comment or send me a mail with contact information and a suggestion.

I am counter-stalking again.

Hello Daniel!

(One of my specialties is after all masterful infiltration!)

Cat toys

On my way home tuesday I was asked if I wanted to come along to a pet shop. I went - and came home with some cat toys on sticks. Some of these photoes are better portraits than others but he seems to be having fun! 

Let's talk about food, again.

Food is complicated stuff. At least to me.

Julia has been writing about weight, she writes a whole lot of smart things, and if you are comfy with reading Swedish (or using google translate or similar) you should probably go read it. I said in the comments that I should write about the same on my own blog, but I don't think I am quite brave enough to go all the way yet. However I do have things to say on the subject.

To summarise a little bit of what mostly stuck with me: If I say that I am fat the majority of people will protest in some way, directly or indirectly. Alternative 1: "No, you aren't!": Alot of people seem completely unable to judge or guess other's people weight. I guess this is in a way good: People just don't see me as fat but fairly normal. People guessing my weight routinely miss with 20kg (+/- 5kg), and it is an eternal issue at work when we get clothes that people think clothes that to me seem tiny will fit me. Women are worse at judging it than men but men seem to care less. Alternative 2: "But you aren't ugly!": This is completely not related. I am not saying I am fat because I am fishing for compliments or want people to protest to boost my self-esteem (also goes for alt.1), but because it is a fact. Like; "I have dark blue eyes" is also a fact. Would anyone protest that? (Let's stick to the hypothesis please, I am fully aware that there are several in my acquaintance that will debate the fact of my eye colour, but I couldn't come up with another example at the moment).

So. Am I fat? Undoubtedly. And for my own health's sake it would be good to drop a bit in weight. However I am in fairly good health and shape beneath my protective layer, and I am not going to panic about it. For this I have reasons and that is what this post's main subject is, I think. Because while the above is very interesting and important, it woke a whole lot of other thoughts in me and I decided I want to go public with something quite else than what I actually weigh or what size clothing I need.

I have been suffering from eating disorders most of my life.

There.
It is something I became aware of only in the fairly recent years. Eating disorders to me was always something about.. counting calories until you were a skeleton, or barfing up food after binging. And I never did any of those. But slowly the realisation came that what I do is also a disorder. As a child I felt very much NOT in control of my surroundings and so I developed a way to control at least something: I would not eat unless I felt safe-ish. It wasn't, I think, very noticeable when I was a child, although I think I already then would panic if something unexpected would happen to food so that it wasn't what I expected or contained something I had decided was Dangerous. During my teens this developed into not eating at all if I was in some discomfort in my surroundings; examples are that I visited a friend for a long weekend and it was only after three days that he realised I had not eaten anything for the entire period. Eating was terribly dangerous and I declined all offers of food in the strange surroundings. I was also severely discomfortable with eating alone - with people - even if feeling safe, so unless someone else was eating I would not eat either. When I was safe however I would eat. I don't think I ever really got into binging on food, I would eat for comfort when alone but I would limit it, and while chubby I wasn't really that overweight in my teens, so I believe I kept it healthy.

So how did I grow fat? Two factors mainly I think: Anti-depressants and a lack of exercise. The former made me fat in just a few months in my early twenties, which worked quite against their purpose, and a lack of exercise thereafter hasn't helped. Luckily I haven't really gained much, I am stable, but neither am I losing much weight. Foodwise I am eating rather healthily, although getting the right nutrients is a bit of a struggle at times since I still avoid thinking about food, avoid cooking, and even shirk eating. The anti-food list isn't helping. I still panic and refuse eating if food becomes troublesome; if it looks or smells unexpected, if the taste isn't what I expected, if choosing food or discussing ingredients become troublesome when eating away from home.

I would love to lose weight but I have tried dieting in the past and I learnt one thing (with hindsight and the realisation that I have a problem): It makes my eating problems worse. I get even more self-conscious about eating and I started starving myself, or even binging which I had never done before. I cried in public when going out with some workmates last year, very embarrassing, just my food panic poking its ugly head up.

I honestly believe that what I need is exercise, not to worry even more about food. Thus I try to not complain about my weight; if I am going to complain about something which only I can do something about.. well, I think I am only allowed to complain if I am actually doing something and it isn't working.

And finally: Two times in the past years I have relaxed completely about food, started eating intuitively instead of thinking about it, and both times I lost ~8 kg (regained the first loss when I started worrying again).

Writing this was less scary than I thought. Will see what I think about it tomorrow however...

Still scribbling.

Sometimes, I instinctively trust people. Alot of the time it turns out to be more or less a mistake, of course, but that is just human nature. 

Rarely, very rarely, I encounter someone I feel comfortable saying what I really think and feel, and talking about my past, with. I am not saying it is not scary, because it is, but it is ok, and I feel allowed to say stuff and just be me. So far so good.

What then when that turns out to be too much and what you say is so honest it sounds untrue? When your secrets are secret for a reason? 

Challenge

New medicine since friday, and I am testing it. Cooking tomato sauce and eating several days in a row. Then, a day without - but instead I ate fresh tomatoes in the evening. That was yesterday, but today I don't feel particularly itchy. A little tiny bit, but not that all out all-over-my-body itch that drives me mad.

This is interesting. When I began telfast, it took over a month to really start working and I was still used to getting mad itches from eating (even when eating conservatively), when washing my hair, etc. So far so good!

Congratulations, Mackey!

Lance Mackey won the 2010 Iditarod, which means that he is the first ever to win it four times in a row! Hans Gatt and Jeff King came in tight on his heels while I was sleeping. Congratulations to all of you - and to all of those who will follow through the burled arch in Nome - congratulations on completing the trip from Anchorage!

Robot can has hug?

Another scribble

Misjudged the canvas size and ran out of space. Nonetheless, for breakfast:

Scribbler Too, see link in the last post. Drawn with touchpad on laptop. 

Scribble scribble doodle doo

After many years of Scribbler addiction: Finally something new to entertain me. It's like an instant Scribbler.

Day Two

Today is the second day without Telfast and instead eating Aerius. I have done risky things like washing my hair daily for three days and eating tomato-based food, so far without any of that burning itching or much itching at all, actually. I feel a bit clogged up in the head, that slight headache which usually means allergy, but I have felt like that for over a week so it is unrelated and cause unknown. Maybe I am just getting a cold.

Solitude

Stumbling around on the interwebz I found this.

SPRING!

My balcony is sprouting. Tulips, narcissus and snow drops poking their heads up alongside the roses. I will leave the pots wrapped against the chill for a few weeks more, but .. yay!

Around halfway..

As the mandatory 24 hour layovers where the differences in starting times are adjusted are taken, it is beginning to be visible who is leading. The top four group (King/Mackey/Neff/Seavey) has just above 1,5 hour between them in total - which is NOTHING in this kind of race. As they race down the Yukon this is going to be nail-biting excitement - and that is not even mentioning that there is a huge pack of hungry racers right behind them!

The rookie that is in the lead so far is Michelle Phillips who is taking her 24-hour in Cripple along with several veterans. They are going to be having some energy as they start along the Yukon, so the lead better watch out! I hope Phillips manages to stay in the top ten - a woman as rookie of the year and with such a lead on the next rookie, and if she manages top ten too, would be great.

Go, go Mushers!

Current standings
Route and checkpoints

(It is actually more fun this year as I have no clearcut favourite, there being no Scandinavians over there this year. I can cheer for everybody!)

Nice guys

I get weary of male acquaintances complaining about being single and blaming it on them being "nice guys because girls don't like nice guys". 99% of the cases where I hear that complaint it is from a person I wouldn't class as a nice guy. A fun friend, perhaps, but sure as hell not someone I'd date or anything. You are single because you THINK you are nice and do nothing to better your ways.

Just a little rant.

...I guess I should follow my own advice and put an end to this silliness.

Anarchitektur

To work, to work, to work we go!

(Slightly related to Julia's t-shirt of the day posts, except I failed miserably in ALL the photos at actually getting the entire shirt).

Itchy itchy itchy

Something went terribly wrong today. With hindsight it could have been avoided – I felt a bit like I was on the brink of an allergic reaction or developing a cold all morning, but did not really think more about why. Went out for lunch with K., and ate things which I can normally (~always) eat without problems but which ARE on the List. An hour after lunch I was itching all over, scratching my scalp bloody, and then I watched the red start spreading from my fingertips and up my arms. Soaking my hands in cold water and using the cold hands on my face helped against the burning feeling, and now, a few hours later, the itching is also slightly better, so not a full-scale outbreak, but …gah. Close and it stressed me out, the itch drives me mad.

 

Have to think about what I eat for a few weeks, obviously. Hope the new medication is not involved in this!

Caffeinate Me

I cut a caffeine patch in four, going to ration it during the day to get a more continual effect and not a huge rush. Hopefully that will suffice to keep me going until at least five..!

Interrupted sleep

Overtired, so I cry a bit. Still can't really sleep, and after sleeping for two short stretches totalling 4,5 hours (with a long awake interval in between) I wake up at five and give up. Now it is just past seven and I am feeling a bit queasy with tiredness. I am going to need my caffeine patches today, that's for certain.

I am feeling a bit out of the loop with Iditarod, because I don't really want to pay for an insider account, and the blogs I have been following the former years aren't reporting, not having anyone over there. Hunting information takes time, but is rewarding.

And:
Current standings
Route and the checkpoints

Happy happy

Second anniversary of living here! 

Sunday again

Lime cheesecake filled chocolate/chocolate chip muffins.
That did not crash.

Semi-productivity

Decided I wanted to poke around with rings again yesterday.

Started out with 6in1 but decided it did not fall nicely, so poked out rings until it was a 4in1.
Fairly satisfied, think I might actually use these.

Spring Cleaning

Hey, look what I found! Are you going to brush me?

Three minutes of brushing with one hand and photoing with the other.

Curtain Away Spring

Sun.


Bright, bright light. Contrary to what you might think I am not
outdoors, I am in my bright, bright living room.

I made attempts at hanging up curtains, but I just don't have
the strength in my fingers to be able to clip them back on.

Shit.

Two minutes ago

Linus and Silme relaxing on the sofa on a saturday night.

Silme-Bot (again)

Be aware, be very aware.

Yet, no surprises here, right? This is totally correct.
Except I haven't, as far as I know, assassinated anyone at night,.
other than mosquitoes that has snuck into my bedroom.

Get Your Cyborg Name

Countdown

The week of little sleep is soon to begin.

One of Those Days

The combination Fixmer/McCarthy tends to mean a sound that is rather... NOT like this blippy catchy tune which took me by some surprise when I first heard it (normally a rather more industrial and rough sound). Or maybe it isn't catchy at all, just that it caught me on One Of Those Days when I first heard it? 

Still like it though. 

Spotify
Youtube

To fight a wizard with cold steel

I sleep.

I dream.

Friends from years back, that now live in countries I have barely been in, appear, with families I haven't met at all.

It is raining. Raining alot. The roads are flooding. A former colleague is driving a small french car through the rain, through the water, he is part of the resistance movement.

People are running on skis through the rain, we climb through the fence, stuffing the backpack through the hole we tore ahead of us. The muffins in the backpack are crushed.

It will never end, the rain, the flight. We must confront the danger.

I take my kitchen knives - the biggest and the smallest - and go to war. They sent me to gunfight with a knife. The sorcerer does not fight back in any physical way. When I throw the small knife it almost hits my own foot. I chop with the big knife and the sorcerer gets a second gaping mouth. He laughs through it and lifts his hand.

I run through the rain, my friends hide in eggs, and the eggs are crushed in the crash when the car water-planed.

Courage

I was very brave today. On shaky legs I walked down the stairs and faced my fears.

Zzzznore.