Monday, 29 March 2010
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Thursday: Helsinki - meeting up with Hanna, Hanna and Jussi (and possibly others) for some coffee and hanging out. Crashing at Hanna's place, meeting her SO.
Friday: Hanging out with Kasha.
Saturday: Departing for Jyväskylä with a bunch of IRC-people, reunion time! Going to be great so see all the lovely people again after all these years.
Sunday: Back to Helsinki and Hanna.
Monday: Plane back to Stockholm
I suppose I will have opportunity to check my email while I am gone so if you are in .fi, see this and want to catch up with my mad travelling and socialising tour, drop me a comment or send me a mail with contact information and a suggestion.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Julia has been writing about weight, she writes a whole lot of smart things, and if you are comfy with reading Swedish (or using google translate or similar) you should probably go read it. I said in the comments that I should write about the same on my own blog, but I don't think I am quite brave enough to go all the way yet. However I do have things to say on the subject.
To summarise a little bit of what mostly stuck with me: If I say that I am fat the majority of people will protest in some way, directly or indirectly. Alternative 1: "No, you aren't!": Alot of people seem completely unable to judge or guess other's people weight. I guess this is in a way good: People just don't see me as fat but fairly normal. People guessing my weight routinely miss with 20kg (+/- 5kg), and it is an eternal issue at work when we get clothes that people think clothes that to me seem tiny will fit me. Women are worse at judging it than men but men seem to care less. Alternative 2: "But you aren't ugly!": This is completely not related. I am not saying I am fat because I am fishing for compliments or want people to protest to boost my self-esteem (also goes for alt.1), but because it is a fact. Like; "I have dark blue eyes" is also a fact. Would anyone protest that? (Let's stick to the hypothesis please, I am fully aware that there are several in my acquaintance that will debate the fact of my eye colour, but I couldn't come up with another example at the moment).
So. Am I fat? Undoubtedly. And for my own health's sake it would be good to drop a bit in weight. However I am in fairly good health and shape beneath my protective layer, and I am not going to panic about it. For this I have reasons and that is what this post's main subject is, I think. Because while the above is very interesting and important, it woke a whole lot of other thoughts in me and I decided I want to go public with something quite else than what I actually weigh or what size clothing I need.
I have been suffering from eating disorders most of my life.
It is something I became aware of only in the fairly recent years. Eating disorders to me was always something about.. counting calories until you were a skeleton, or barfing up food after binging. And I never did any of those. But slowly the realisation came that what I do is also a disorder. As a child I felt very much NOT in control of my surroundings and so I developed a way to control at least something: I would not eat unless I felt safe-ish. It wasn't, I think, very noticeable when I was a child, although I think I already then would panic if something unexpected would happen to food so that it wasn't what I expected or contained something I had decided was Dangerous. During my teens this developed into not eating at all if I was in some discomfort in my surroundings; examples are that I visited a friend for a long weekend and it was only after three days that he realised I had not eaten anything for the entire period. Eating was terribly dangerous and I declined all offers of food in the strange surroundings. I was also severely discomfortable with eating alone - with people - even if feeling safe, so unless someone else was eating I would not eat either. When I was safe however I would eat. I don't think I ever really got into binging on food, I would eat for comfort when alone but I would limit it, and while chubby I wasn't really that overweight in my teens, so I believe I kept it healthy.
So how did I grow fat? Two factors mainly I think: Anti-depressants and a lack of exercise. The former made me fat in just a few months in my early twenties, which worked quite against their purpose, and a lack of exercise thereafter hasn't helped. Luckily I haven't really gained much, I am stable, but neither am I losing much weight. Foodwise I am eating rather healthily, although getting the right nutrients is a bit of a struggle at times since I still avoid thinking about food, avoid cooking, and even shirk eating. The anti-food list isn't helping. I still panic and refuse eating if food becomes troublesome; if it looks or smells unexpected, if the taste isn't what I expected, if choosing food or discussing ingredients become troublesome when eating away from home.
I would love to lose weight but I have tried dieting in the past and I learnt one thing (with hindsight and the realisation that I have a problem): It makes my eating problems worse. I get even more self-conscious about eating and I started starving myself, or even binging which I had never done before. I cried in public when going out with some workmates last year, very embarrassing, just my food panic poking its ugly head up.
I honestly believe that what I need is exercise, not to worry even more about food. Thus I try to not complain about my weight; if I am going to complain about something which only I can do something about.. well, I think I am only allowed to complain if I am actually doing something and it isn't working.
And finally: Two times in the past years I have relaxed completely about food, started eating intuitively instead of thinking about it, and both times I lost ~8 kg (regained the first loss when I started worrying again).
Writing this was less scary than I thought. Will see what I think about it tomorrow however...
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Sometimes, I instinctively trust people. Alot of the time it turns out to be more or less a mistake, of course, but that is just human nature.
This is interesting. When I began telfast, it took over a month to really start working and I was still used to getting mad itches from eating (even when eating conservatively), when washing my hair, etc. So far so good!
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Monday, 15 March 2010
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Friday, 12 March 2010
The rookie that is in the lead so far is Michelle Phillips who is taking her 24-hour in Cripple along with several veterans. They are going to be having some energy as they start along the Yukon, so the lead better watch out! I hope Phillips manages to stay in the top ten - a woman as rookie of the year and with such a lead on the next rookie, and if she manages top ten too, would be great.
Go, go Mushers!
Route and checkpoints
(It is actually more fun this year as I have no clearcut favourite, there being no Scandinavians over there this year. I can cheer for everybody!)
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Just a little rant.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Something went terribly wrong today. With hindsight it could have been avoided – I felt a bit like I was on the brink of an allergic reaction or developing a cold all morning, but did not really think more about why. Went out for lunch with K., and ate things which I can normally (~always) eat without problems but which ARE on the List. An hour after lunch I was itching all over, scratching my scalp bloody, and then I watched the red start spreading from my fingertips and up my arms. Soaking my hands in cold water and using the cold hands on my face helped against the burning feeling, and now, a few hours later, the itching is also slightly better, so not a full-scale outbreak, but …gah. Close and it stressed me out, the itch drives me mad.
Have to think about what I eat for a few weeks, obviously. Hope the new medication is not involved in this!
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
I am feeling a bit out of the loop with Iditarod, because I don't really want to pay for an insider account, and the blogs I have been following the former years aren't reporting, not having anyone over there. Hunting information takes time, but is rewarding.
Route and the checkpoints
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Bright, bright light. Contrary to what you might think I am not
outdoors, I am in my bright, bright living room.
I made attempts at hanging up curtains, but I just don't have
the strength in my fingers to be able to clip them back on.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Friday, 5 March 2010
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Friends from years back, that now live in countries I have barely been in, appear, with families I haven't met at all.
It is raining. Raining alot. The roads are flooding. A former colleague is driving a small french car through the rain, through the water, he is part of the resistance movement.
People are running on skis through the rain, we climb through the fence, stuffing the backpack through the hole we tore ahead of us. The muffins in the backpack are crushed.
It will never end, the rain, the flight. We must confront the danger.
I take my kitchen knives - the biggest and the smallest - and go to war. They sent me to gunfight with a knife. The sorcerer does not fight back in any physical way. When I throw the small knife it almost hits my own foot. I chop with the big knife and the sorcerer gets a second gaping mouth. He laughs through it and lifts his hand.
I run through the rain, my friends hide in eggs, and the eggs are crushed in the crash when the car water-planed.