Thursday, 30 July 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
I am walking in the rain.
I realise, that for some reason, I am not wearing sneakers but flat ballet pumps. How out of character. And in the rain, too.
There were no shrimp in my shrimp-filled fish fillet. Just as well.
I am allergic to shrimp.
Shrimp-filled fish fillet. Say that fast.
The light rain is leaving drops of water on my face, my eyelashes, my hair.
It looks more like dew than rain.
Like I just woke up from sleeping under a spruce or a rock, on a bed of moss, one morning in late summer.
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Initial sketch. Safely stored in a clip frame on a wall since I know that with my clumsyness and my cat's love of destruction, it will not survive else.
I repeat, sketch, I do not in any way feel done with this. Hopefully I will have the time and energy to make it into a bigger version in october. There are lots I want to change! But I think it will be nice when it is done. The damn calligraphy in the edges might be going though, because it damn near killed me already.
Of course you might have had to have read the book I am inspired by to understand what you are looking at... (link is to the first book out of three)
And please don't give me suggestions of what to change or anything, this is my sketch and my idea and I have my own plans for it. Just wanted to share how I spent my weekend.
(5mm felt tip pen on 110g sketching paper)
I very rarely dream about people that actually exist but I don't know in person, which is why it amused me when I woke up.
In other news my sketch is progressing nicely, working on the border + the central piece now. Should finish today without problems, well, might be a problem in the sense that I should do housework, but ah, you know, priorities.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Just the research and the sketch (in A3 format) is 2-3 full days of work, the actual drawing will probably have to be saved for my vacation in october. Luckily I still have one sheet of the paper I bought for the initial ones left.
So what are these drawings?
I sometimes get images in my head, and sometimes I get them while reading. This time it hit like lightning while I was reading during my lunch break earlier this week, and I made some rough ballpoint sketches on the back of discarded reports from the switchboard and brought with me home.
The finished products are ink drawings, monocolour, of 70x50cm size. I sort of want to colour them with water colour (that was the original intent) but I don't dare for fear of ruining them. I should try to get good copies of them on similar paper quality (that can handle water colour), but I haven't the faintest idea about how to accomplish that.
I like drawing in ink of various colours, filling in with water colour or ink in contrast colour. I love drawing celtic style patterns and illuminated pages. But nothing beats the flow of these "large style illuminated pages" I sometimes get the inspiration for. It is like the writing urges I more often experience, the flow of words in poetry shape inside my head. Except it is far more physically and mentally exhausting than writing!
Another thing is that I can really see that my eye and skill has developed vastly during the years, even though I almost do no artistic work beyond drawing celtic patterns (step patterns, key patterns, knotwork). I am really looking forwards to seeing the finished product this time! I will post a photo when the ink-sketch is done (hopefully tomorrow).
A ciabatta with cheese and bellpepper (yes, yes I know.), a chunk of honeydew melon, a teacup of cardamon coffee with milk, a glass of water and my usual pill cocktail which I should have taken six hours before, all on a tray so that I could lounge around on the sofa and read while eating.
I want to go to Mars.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
I would prefer if the entire thing went away permanently; while it is a nice positive feeling it is also one that complicates things unecessarily, puts a friendship at risk, and not to mention the fact that I do not at all want to get involved with anyone.
Suggestions on how to ignore it rather than well wishes would be welcome ;)
Monday, 20 July 2009
Sunday, 19 July 2009
I know it is healthier to wear sneakers. I really know. Because it hurts to not do so. But... damn. Looking good would be nice too, not just wearing my ugly white sneakers with any outfit?
Random regrets from Silme-world. Even though I mostly wear baggy jeans and t-shirts, I have those regrets, apparently.
On a different note - I couldn't resist starting over on Red Mars after finishing The Martians last night, so now I am doing that but I am also sketching on my own Mars story. This will never end well.
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Else I have, in the weeks before my holiday, been reading Reichs (got Devil Bones as a gift and to my surprise liked it), re-reading the rest of my Gemmell books, read Clarke+Pohl's The Last Theorem, ran out of Rankin's (there are more but I have to order them online, and that always goes badly with me ordering something like 30 books, so I haven't dared what with needing a new monitor and all), re-read PD James' the Lighthouse as well as the few Hillerman novels I have, gave up re-reading Emma since we saw a Hollywood version of it during my holiday and that turned me off the story completely, chewed through a Gabaldon book in a matter of days, and read some Binchy and Pilcher to make me happy through rainy days. The great majority has been crime novels though, so I guess that is my current preferance. Will probably soon tilt to some other direction.
On my to read list there is another Reichs book that Beledra left here, finishing off the Dexter book + the Martians, a couple of Ursula le Guin books I have lying around, a couple of SF anthologies. I have started reading Tad Williams' War of the Flowers over a year ago but I find it very hard to get into. Can't be bothered about swedish mystery authors at all and am actually considering getting rid of those books, I don't read them. Mostly picked up at book sales.
And I am seriously considering re-reading the Mars trilogy again, it has been at least 1,5 years since I last read it and they are due another re-read. :D
Completely apart from books and reading:
During the week I took portrait photos of 35 people at work, edited them friday - and I found myself smiling and laughing all the time, because all the photos were of people that were smiling and laughing and having fun. Such an amazing group of people and such happy photos. I was a bit worried about how it would go in advance, since "forced" photo sessions like that are usually rather unpopular and you wind up with a lot of stiff photos of people posing in uncomfortable silence against a white wall. I will use the photos to cheer me up I think, if I have a tough day at work I will go look at them all and I cannot help smile back at all the smiling beautiful faces.
To my immense surprise I really like Marabou's "sommar" chocolate, milkchocolate with strawberries. It is crispy and not oversweet, no sticky parts. The berries are the kind used in cereals. The question remains if I can actually eat it, if I should eat it, considering I am allergic to strawberries. On the other hand it is not as if I eat an entire bar in a day; rather it takes me a week.
Beledra gave me tea with dried papaya in it, I have a hard time trying to convince myself I should not pick them out but leave them for brewing. Dunno if it matters, the tea is full of goodness. They aren't sticky and chewy (I don't like winegums either), but rather they melt in the mouth. Yum.
Friday, 17 July 2009
A long time ago (some months at the least) I got a friendship request on facebook from the person who had my job before me. I have just left it there, hanging there, not wanting to accept but terrified of taking any decision about it and so not doing anything at all.
I remember liking carrot juice as a child.
I finally realised I don't have to accept - she was never my friend and to the very last moment she did her best to not support me or give me any help or intention of help. And that is the person that was my supervisor for several years. For some reason I didn't recognise it as bullying until now.
We got it in glass bottles, I think. I don't remember how it actually
But few people have had the power to make me feel that bad for such extended periods of my life. And that is not a friend and never will be.
tasted but I remember that I really really liked it.
The last week she worked at the company we were going parallell, she was supposed to teach me, according to the manager, I was supposed to ask her everything and make sure I knew all she knew. I remember asking which other responsibilities I would be getting apart from my main one and for a list of procedures I needed to know or find out about; and I remember the scorching laugh and the reply "why, you should know such details before you accept the job". Thus some things, like how the administration process of updating contracts, went past me for several months. Just a detail. There are hundreds of such memories. Sadly enough.
If I buy carrot juice nowadays it isn't particularly good at all. I wonder if it is
It kept me running like a scared rabbit for the first four months, saying "I fix" to way more than I could handle and accepting responsibility for things I didn't have the faintest idea how worked, just because I thought it was expected of me. Well, I impressed, that is good, the fact that I almost ruined myself over it is not.
the same or if my childhood's carrot juice was magical somehow.
I am going to go decline/ignore that friendship request now. Yay me!
So there. No idea why I felt I had to write that - maybe a result of reading something of a similar topic at other blogs in the Swedish blogosphere the past week. See, it is almost a meme. Do you confide, or not?!
This was the last of three topics I knew I should write about as I climbed out of the shower a few hours ago.
I didn't find the papaya though. If you know anywhere they sell it, tell me. In my local ICA they sell dried mango, which I will eat. Apricots I do not eat at all. Blah.
Edit: The scheduled post didn't auto-appear so I posted it manually. Heh. Surprise...
This spring/summer I have become more and more adept at actually remembering to look for fruit/veggies I can and will eat if I buy them when I get groceries or eat out. I think I am on the way to something good. I still am far from perfect but I am getting better at it, and I am rather proud of the fact. I have, after all, lived almost 3 decades without eating much fruits/vegetables at all (not necessarily because I don't like them, but because they make me sick or give me bad rashes).
This does not mean I never speak with people, I do - with people I know or with which topics of conversation that does not die out in one sentence appear. But even with people I know I have a very hard time actually forming friendships. Online I seem socially adept enough (I think, or maybe people just tolerate me better, hah), to the point of most of my RL friends today being people originally encountered online. Which, again, makes me feel safer online and makes it easier to connect there, since it has worked before. Out there in big bad RL getting a tenuous bond, reaching the level where I can call someone and spontaneously and casually go out for a coffee or similar takes years. But even then, there are very few people I think would actually go along if I suggested it. Most of the people I know and like and would like to hang out with for a bit smile politely (sometimes), look surprised (more often), and says "But of course - but I don't know when would be possible, not this week at least, we will have to try some time, of course, but not now" (almost always). And some time rarely comes.
It is painful only when it is happening. When I am alone, secure at home, or walking alone without anyone I know in sight, I am quite content. I seem to like myself (good thing, since I spend so much time around me), even if other people either prefer to keep their distance or misinterpret me grossly and think I would like them to stay away. But oh, how much it hurts when it does happen. Hurts to the point where I will have to go and hide in a restroom to cry a bit. Bites my stomach so I have a hard time sitting up, my body wanting to curl up in foetal position to protect itself. Stuns my mind so I cannot focus on the things I should do (a problem, as most of these situations happens when I am at work). But eventually I will be home again, home and safe and able to hug my cat who will pat my cheek gently and nuzzle my forehead and if that doesn't help, bump my nose so I run the risk of noseblood (I never have noseblood, almost - only twice in my life, but that cat...). And at home I am safe, and tranquil, and very rarely feel lonely. I do not know why this is - it has not always been such with other homes.
At work today I wound up in the unusual for me position of being confided in - of course not as a friend, but as the supervisor of the person in question who needed to talk to someone. Her story is not the important thing here and I will not relate it, although I hope my clumsy advice will be to some help to her. The thing that made me slightly wistful is that this is a person I for a long time wanted to be friends with, tried connecting with, only to have my attempts foiled by my promotion. And while that is not necessarily a complete show-stopper for a friendship, it sure as hell complicates it. (Especially when half the department treats you as persona non grata for half a year to a year.)
I suppose that was what triggered this post, since it got me thinking. However these are no new thoughts or truths, but things that I have always known - I just suppose I have not really expressed them as coherently anywhere. For all the good doing that will do me...
Thursday, 16 July 2009
But apparently I am not in the habit of eating anything else, when I started thinking about it. I will eat if other people want food in the evening but when I am alone I am prone to forgetting.
The reason I remember now was that I was feeling queasy and rather dizzy, and suddenly realised I was probably hungry (after suffering the feeling unquestioning for over an hour). Yesterday I was too much in need of a caffeine fix when I got home, then overcaffeinated, to notice anything. Other days I guess I just forget, unless - like today - I get physical side effects of not eating.
Dunno if it is bad for me to not eat or what. Unless my body protests it shouldn't be a problem I figure. Or maybe my absentmindedness is going to damage me permanently, who knows. Heh.
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Home. Headache. I know I drank enough (I stood in one spot and made myself drink glass after glass of water at work when I realised I was running the risk of dehydration), but I probably didn't get enough caffeine.
What does a good Silly do? Of course make a pot of coffee, put some cheap vanilla icecream in a big latte glass, pour the coffee over it and gulp it all down in less than two minutes. Very sane and now I am shaking just a teeny little bit. Ah well, the things we sacrifice. My head feels good again!
Out on the balcony I was assaulted by one of the roses, which had grown several meter long arms which reached out for me and grabbed my hair as soon as I got out there. It is now somewhat more restrained, however I should have done that before the heatwave to make it look better.
I have photos to post, but not here: In my camera there are still photos from last week (of, among other things, a curious swan), but my camera is locked up at work due to an attempt at taking nice portrait photos of the current 55 people in our department. Getting to use my camera, alot, on work hours! I have to find my tablet, I am not sure where I put it, because there is alot of editing in my near future to make them into good mugshots with name'n'all before print, laminating and putting them on the wall. Will have to bring in my laptop for the job, but eh - it makes for a change.
Adjusting to Summer and Who Spent My Money:
Although the days are fairly warm-ish, my flat is surprisingly cool, or I am just used to the summer warmth. I am certainly used to the light, there are no longer any problems falling asleep at night or waking up too early if I want to sleep in a bit as there was a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean I don't get up super early anyway - cause I do. Today I was up at 0430 which even I find a bit excessive, especially since the boost of energy my 1 week summer holiday gave me means I use half the time in the mornings. It means, however, that I get to read in the mornings. Nice.
That said: I wouldn't mind another week or two off - but on the other hand, I know they are coming in october.
Anyway working is cheaper; I can use the microwave at work to reheat all the frozen leftovers I have in my freezer and eat those. And I really need to, cause I am damn near broke now (SEK260 enough to live for two weeks? Oh yes baby!). Dunno what happened. Didn't seem to spend THAT much? Maybe I did, then.
I can afford a few coffees with friends and that is what it will be used for. :)
Adjusting to Having Friends too:
Oh yea.. I spent the two last days of my vacation bored out of my mind after having had company for a week. I still hunger for the company of real* people so dear friends new and old, if you have time over and can stand my company for a few hours, now is the time to suggest something before I withdraw back into my hermit crab shell.
*Real people being people I like, of course. People I don't like aren't real, they are just illusions there to annoy me.
Friday, 10 July 2009
The reason I had them saved as drafts was that there were so many posts that they started disappearing onto next page, so I decided to spread them out a bit.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
We have been watching BBC-adaptations of some classics the past few days; Jane Eyre and Sense and Sensibility - Bele wasn't familiar with either story and so I was much amused. The JE adaptation is very confusing however; I know the story and it annoys me how much they cut out - Bele expressed confusion and claimed she would not know what was going on if I hadn't explained which pieces had been cut away.
Else; this blog is currently suffering some DNS problems which ought to be sorted as soon as records update. So if you couldn't get here late wednesday or early thursday, that is why.