Monday, 28 January 2008


I'm just so hurt and sad and I wish there was someone that could and would act as mediator and go-between, talking to us both and trying to find reason and compromise in all of this, someone that knows us both and can listen.

Sunday, 27 January 2008

In circles...

Today was a good day - spent in the company of Christine, walking for a bit (and she pointing out some major features of Stockholm that I had missed, hrrm) and then winding up in a cafe where we spent the next three hours drinking too much coffee and talking and watching people. Then we walked for another hour, going in a large circle, first along the water and then along streets that looked nice (good logic, huh?). Finally winding up back outside the cafe we jumped on a train home, almost six hours after we left our separate homes.

I also had time to finally spend the gift card I received for Xmas, getting the perfume I had originally wanted.

Now I am... really really really tired, and slightly sore-footed since I for some mysterious reason unknown to myself was wearing boots instead of sneakers although I knew we were going to walk. Heading to bed in a short while - yes, I know it is early, but I am that tired! The coffee probably helped - I don't normally drink it and it has the side effect of making me first queasy then sleepy. So I should stick to tea or juice or just water next time...

Friday, 25 January 2008

~Paralyzed by sadness here I am~

I didn't sleep well. I woke often, twisting, turning, moving to a cool spot on the pillow, freezing, too warm, the shadows of restless dreams faint in my mind. When I woke by the alarm the last time, I felt as tired as I usually do when woken by the alarm, but still I found myself in a relaxed and happy mood.

At work I didn't get to do much before everything died. While digging up all the roads out here, they had also succeeded in cutting a fiber cable - and our contact with the outter world was lost. After another two-three hours of being creative about coming up with things to do (like tidying up the cable spaghetti beneath all the desks and doing some corrections on some of the standarized e-mails we use), I and another Norwegian was allowed to go home, since we couldn't actually do anything useful anyway. Glorious - it was still light out (although very windy), and I was able to buy ale for tomorrow (and perhaps tonight), something which I thought I would not be able to do due to my late work hours.

There are many plans for the weekend - I think there will be lots of fun to be had. Industrial fair (optics), coffee with a friend, ale, and going out to dance the night away. I think it will be good for me to be out and about so much.

I wish yesterday had been as good. I said things I regret and I believe I was or will be right about the predicted results of it yet. Alcohol and Irssi is a bad combination, all in all. Like noone knew that... except for me because I never learn... I was sad and upset by it all and I think that is what made me sleep so restlessly. It cannot be unsaid however, and I still think it will be for the best in the long term.

Now I am having a beer and pondering whether to make another attempt at finishing that puzzle that was begun in october, or if I should read - I have a new (to me) Pern book, whee! The joy of books! There was a Stephen King boxed set there, I sortof want to go back to buy it. Looks so good in the shelf and it is books I want to read too (the Dark Tower). Hmm :)

PS: The title of this post is a random or not so random line from a song that happened to be playing when I started writing, and it seemed as good as anything I could come up with on my own. Interpret it as you like, but not too literally.

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Two things part two

Ok. My allergy might be wheat. MEH! I live on bread and cheese, so that is no good.

Actually, I have no allergies at all, but my histamin levels are so high (for some unknown reason) that I get reactions on certain things, and of course I get the various cross reactions on other stuff that are related to these things and so on. And wheat is on that list.

I haven't decided what to do about my hair. But to satisfy my craving to do something, I have started stretching the second ear piercings as well. I don't know if I will stop at 4mm and simply buy myself some more 4mm jewellery (I have some already, I think - 2 niobium rings and 1 glass twist and some neon plastic rings), or if I will stretch them to the same as the first ones so I can use the same jewellery, thus not having to buy anything new to get variation. Until then I will attempt to not buy anything. Of course, if I stretch the second to the same size as the first, then all that jewellery won't be wasted if I stretch the first up a couple of sizes.. or five.. hmmm :)

Inspiration (at least a little)

This photo is old. Old. Really old. Back in my childhood days old. But it was the best I found to inspire myself somewhat. To get back to looking like myself. Photo: Katharina

This one is much more recent, in fact taken not too long before I started un-dyeing my hair because of the job interview that landed me my current job. Still using the same pink dye! And you can see my Modesty Blaise watch. There is another one available too, I crave that as well. Modesty! Photo: Kham (Knee belongs to Fiz!)

Two things (or is it three)

1) Apparently I can no longer eat one of these things without getting sick, and I don't know which thing: Bread with cheese. Carrots. Potatoes. Eggs. Lacto-free creme fraiche.

Meh. I am heading in to work later when my medicines have started working.

2) I have been planning to cut my hair as soon as I can find a decent hairdresser. I have been thinking about the drawback that shorter hair might tempt me to start dyeing again, but decided to just try and keep my good intentions about no dyeing.

Now I really really really want to cut it and dye it and attach things to it and perhaps re-take the lip piercing and stretch my ears more and... I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF LOOKING BORING BUT NICE! I know it has advantages but but but.

What to do? Skip the piercing and just play with the hair? Do it all? What about my money-saving project for my travelling? Oh, the decisions the decisions.

But, an upside to my current existance: TN saturday, wheee I like the tSoM theme! Hope my brother will come and keep me company. I want fun company and friends around me. Time to go nuts! Anyone else want to come with me?

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

White mehness

After a warm winter that felt like spring, I awake to this today.. :(

Sunday, 20 January 2008

2002 - Fridge poetry

The magnetic poetry on our fridge in Finland back in the days several times started me off on things I wanted to say. The actual magnets were too limited in grammar and words, but I noted down the words that inspired me and later reshaped it and added to it on paper.

These days one of the things I wrote then is starting to echo in my mind again, so I thought I'd share this short one *gasp* !

I have no idea if it is any good. But here you go anyway.

A different girl
of freedom
and safety.

A crazed woman
to leave
and live.

A brave child
a home
and happiness.

Think happy thoughts

Welcome to another rant by the Random thinker!

I had a week where I was weary and tired most of the time. I sat up too long several nights, but even when I went to bed I had problems sleeping, just like I have had since before christmas. Instead of going for a restful sleepy weekend, like I usually do, I got drunk on both friday and saturday however. And it was a good idea - it gave some release to my tense nerves. It also made me say the right things to the right person yesterday and with some luck a home can be found in the near future, shared or otherwise. Friday me and Christine went to the cinema, lost two hours of our lives we aren't getting back, then went for a comfort beer (that turned into more than one, as usual) and laid plans for the spring. Hopefully we will be allowed by work to go on vacation together, so we can have all the fun we are planning to.

Last night I headed home earlyish - the storm was lessening and I had talked to N, and his mood made me worry about Linus, so I took a train home instead of staying the night as was the plan. As it turned out, I didn't sleep much but I am sure it was all to the good, and I suspect I would hardly have gotten more sleep had I stayed.

Working evening shift all week, hopefully that slight adjustment in sleeping rhythm will be enough to make me get some rest. Not having to get up at six, I mean.

Generally I am feeling optimistic about the future. I will manage to find myself another, hopefully better, place to live. I will save money and go on vacation with C., as well as dragging my ass to Dublin to visit Inz. I will make friends in this godforsaken city. I am living healthier - no bus pass is money-saving and also gives me an hour or more of free exercise a day. I have managed to find eating habits that keeps even my constantly upset tummy fairly happy, and as a bonus I have been losing some weight (hope I won't jinx it by writing it down here!). I like my job fairly well, and want to stay on in the company for a while more. And I am getting my confidence in myself as a person back, day by day. Just realising what was going on, made the curve turn, like my mother predicted. I have weaned myself off tea - which means I have started to drink water instead, finally. All in all, this spring (it does feel like spring out there) seems to have the possibilities of becoming a good one.

Hopefully we will manage to get the board gaming sessions running again, even with T working elsewhere and W in another town. That is the only thing really lacking at the moment.

And this week I am meeting darling Jassu for breakfast, she is back in .Se for a visit. I have missed her muchly while she was stateside learning to become an Okie. Whee!

Thursday, 17 January 2008

80 questions from my other blog!

This thing went around on the other blog-page, and I too answered it. Decided to paste it here as well. PS: I haven't counted, but the title on the original post said it is 80.

Whats your middle name?: Vilhelmina
How big is your bed?: Too small for two enemies, but big enough for two lovers.
What are you listening to right now?: Iris
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?: 3434
What was the last thing you ate?: A thin slice of chocolate cake
Last person you hugged?: A coworker named Christine
How is the weather right now?: I don’t know, I haven’t peeked out in some hours. It was clear and cold when I came home.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?: I can’t remember. Private or at work?
What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex?: Personality.
Favorite type of Food. : Greek.
Do you want children?: No. NO!
Do you drink?: Tea ;)
Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night?: Nope. Whiskey drunkenness isn’t like that.
Hair color?: Light brown or dyed.
Eye colour?: Blue.
Do you wear contacts/glasses?: Yes, and I like it.
Favorite holiday?: I don’t know. I don’t really celebrate any of them. Xmas because I get cards from all over the world?
Favorite Season?: Autumn
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?: Yes
Last Movie you Watched?: Arn
What books are you reading?: “Ancient history”, “Draken”, “The harsh cry of the heron”, “The concrete blonde”, “Svek”, “Hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world”, “Memoirs of a geisha”. Yep. All of those at once.
Piercings?: Yes, baby
Favorite Movie?: Ehrm. Not really?
Favorite college football Team?: Are you kidding me? I’m not American ;)
What were you doing before filling this out?: Boredly surfing and fishing for attention.
Any pets?: Kitty-cat
Dogs or cats?: Both.
Favorite Flower?: Tulips!
Have you ever loved someone?: Loved and stopped too.
Who would you like to see right now?: Gramps.
Have you ever fired a gun?: Yes, both rifles, shotguns and handweapons.
Do you like to travel by plane?: I wouldn’t mind learning to fly one, even.
Right-handed or Left-handed?: Right- handed, but I can use the left almost as well for almost everything.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?: NY
Are you missing someone?: Yes. Anyone.
Do you have a tattoo?: No. But I would like one.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?: No. Never did.
Are you hiding something from someone?: Maybe.. they are after me, I know it!
ARE YOU 18?: You don’t ask a lady’s age!
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?: Nothing - no bedside table, so my alarm usually lives beneath my bed, for instance.
WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?: Everything that is part of me.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?: Not really. I am sometimes afraid of what can hide in the dark. But I can also hide in the dark.
3 THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT?: Really really cannot? Air, water, nutrition. But beyond that, mental stimulation, love, and creative outlets.
FAVORITE SONG?: A long long list, I’m not going there!
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?: Being stalked.
ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?: I can do both. Depends on the situation.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?: Silhelmina, Miune, + a few others.
WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?: I don’t think she has one. Unless one counts what is actually my surname…
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?: I don’t watch TV. Still.
Whats your favorite color?: Black? Pink, purple, red, brown, greens.
WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?: Veterinary, pilot and indiana jones.
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11?: Night or morning? Night I sleep. Morning, I work.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?: The better life I intend to make for myself.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Late christmas-flower

This baby flowered and died back once already. First flowering was for my birthday, I had hoped the second would be for christmas or even newyear but it didn't start sprouting until around NYE. Today the first flower opened.

Monday, 14 January 2008

My lunchbox!

This post is for you Jeff, and your memory. I guess you were right, huh?

(As always, click to enlarge)

Geomag :D

More from Ljusdal and surroundings summer 05

The church and an area 20 min outside town to some random direction.


I went through my old photos, so I'll be posting some of those for some days now.
First out, random train-station pictures, taken may or june '05 in Ljusdal, Sweden.

Moving blame around

A norwegian professor at BI suggests "a method where the more you travel by plane, the less CO2 in the athmosphere!". Link to article here (in Norwegian).

The idea is that if you pay for instance NOK 100 (SEK 83, USD 5.3, EUR 7.8, GBP 10.3) per hour per seat in environmental fee when flying, these money can go to the specific purpose of taking CO2 out of the air somewhere else. It all sounds nice and dandy, for about two seconds, then reality kicks in and I feel like it is just shifting blame around. Like giving money to plant trees in some obscure project said to be somewhere in Africa because your consciousness is black after driving you SUV too much. Nothing really gets done in other words.

Also, I just see it escalating. Since power plants run by coal are cleaned by the money from airplane passengers, more coal power plants are built, letting out more gases, and more people are flying because it helps against the coal plant's gas problem, and the planes are letting out gases of their own, and its all escalating into a neverending spiral where we are letting out more and more bad stuff, which is where we are going anyway.

Negative thinking, perhaps, but it just sounded so far fetched.


In other news, I am bored and want to be back at work, but I still have fever, so I don't think I am wanted there. Right, Katrin?

Sunday, 13 January 2008

Poetry that still speaks to me as it did ten years ago.

I wrote this down when I went to school many seasons ago, but it still speaks loudly to me.

If you don't understand, I might translate if you ask nicely. Depends on how nicely >:)

This is only a part of the poem, as I am not sure the author would appreciate me publishing the entire thing here. Poet is Tone Ringen.

Grense (delvis gjengitt)

Eg, eit menneske
i stillredd tyngsle,
som likevel
som ventar ein prins
frå fjerne land.
Ein dagsens frelsar
som lyfter meg fram
frå meg sj
utan at eg treng
rekke fram
ei hand.

Perhaps only Mamma will understand what I mean by this at this time, but I still felt like sharing. TR writes lots of beautiful stuff, if you are in Norway, go look her up and enjoy.

I flipped through an old sketchbook hunting for some poetry, and thus:

I photoed some of them to share.

Dragons: A couple of dragon sketches from my time in finland and then a Madangel (selfportrait, for those of you who recall my alterego from some years back).

The first spider sketch was interrupted since he got up to buy coffee (we were at a cafe in Nrkpg). Click to look closer.

Celticism: Step pattern (it filled the whole page, this is a tiny fraction), and a dragon bookmarkish thing.

Thoughts on a sunday "morning"

Getting better:

I had set the alarm at nine am, with the idea that if I felt somewhat OK then, I'd get up so that I can sleep at night and hopefully be in shape to go to work tomorrow. I did feel ok. I felt more than ok. I felt ... hungry. A long shower later, I set out to boil a couple of eggs and find some slices of bread. And to my immense surprise (thinking that hungry might not mean that I could actually eat more than a few bites) the slice of bread with two eggs spread on it, disappeared in something like 30 seconds. Then, however, I was full... Ah well. Also one way to decrease my tummy measure!

I am not well, but I am surprisingly chipper. Pondering if I will dare drinking tea. I haven't had a good cuppa tea in several days. I'm dying for tea, in fact. But I believe I have to pace myself. None of my two liters of tea right now, I guess.

Online is immensely boring. And N broke the TV when he tried to do an update - most of the interesting channels doesn't work. Meaning I will have to find myself something to read. That feels like it might actually be a problem, because I don't think I am up to reading something serious and thought-awakening like all the books I am in the middle of are... Perhaps I should reread something nice and friendly and wellknown, something that will make me smile and disappear but not really think much about anything else than what is happening.

The drawn-out separation-process:

Been thinking alot about the situation I'm stuck in here. Living with N is increasingly difficult. It was easier before christmas, when he was gone most of the time, but since he stopped commuting I actually have to deal with him on a daily basis. It is several months since I commented that it seemed to me that it had been over for quite some time, and he just shrugged and nodded. Yet I am still living here, which has its ups and downs. I haven't had to move, for instance. I could watch TV until he broke it (I have never owned one of those apparatuses myself). And. Well. I can't recall any more ups at the moment. I will try to write them down if I do come up with any.

I have decided quite a while ago that I won't move until I can get a first hand lease, to avoid the manic every-second-month-moving-carousel that second-hand living brings with it - been there done that, not missing it. Unfortunately this is a city where it is extremely hard to find somewhere to live unless you have the a) funds and b) income to a) pay the deposit and b) get a mortgage for buying a flat. Neither of which I have. So the hunt will have to go on. I think I could get one if I can accept spending 1,5 hours getting to work, and 1,5 hours getting home in the evenings. Which is a no go. There would not be time over for anything but sleeping and working, that way. So mehness. I'll just have to be patient and wait and hunt.

It is beginning to seem to me that I have an extremely bad taste in men, because with two exceptions where it was my own immaturety playing out its cards (luckily resulting in two friendships I am proud to have), I keep getting hurt and scarred mentally or even physically. I have noticed a regression the past year, how the downward spiral have begun again, and I really do not need to get back to that level where I was. Getting it clear in my mind what was causing the downhill slide and that I have to move has helped stabilize the curve, but I still need to start climbing again. I find myself in many ways more introvert (at least in the famour RL, or Real Life, that you may have heard of) than I used to be just a year or two or four ago. The situation ten years ago, of course, was way worse, so lets hope I won't get back to that state.

Well. Random thoughts. All of what you expect from me. If you read this far, congratulations on your patience. Over and out.

Friday, 11 January 2008


Too ill to actually write anything sensible, those who are expecting me to keep in touch: it will have to wait until I am better, sorry (one apology for all of you here). I can barely think due to fever. Meh. Multiple meh.

Friday, 4 January 2008

Look, I have a friend!!!11

It might not be very visible, but the teddy isn't a bear, it is a panthertoy that often gets mistaken for my cat by visitors who isn't used to seeing it in the corner of their eyes. So he has found a cat friend, right? Actually I think he believes it is a mummy, he is kneading its tummy and making sucky noises and purring. And sometimes he is sitting on it, like here. Hey, it isn't protesting, right?

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Fan art

Some more random photos

1/3: There is a monster behind my monitor.
2/3: Sleeping on top of the wardrobe is no big jump for a cat.
3/3: Christmassy livingroom - as it was a couple of weeks ago.


It wasn't there. So no tree disposal tonight.

The final resting place of a christmas tree

I am trying to gather courage to go out and see if the sounds I heard this morning was really a container coming - if so I should get rid of the derelict christmas tree lying outside our door. And possibly some other bigger things that should be discarded instead of hoarded on the balcony. In the meantime I am watching Grand Designs and Antony Bourdain on the TV.

The conditioner thing is resolved, and I am yet again really pleased with the service of the shop where I bought it (and heaps of other things through the past couple of years). They are like the equivalent of LensWay (fast deliveries, decent though not the lowest prices, excellent service), only they sell makeup, hair products, and everything similar to make a girl - or a guy - happy. Ok, done with the commercials - but I really am a satisfied customer. I can recommend them.

NYE was fun, thanks to the girls who attended! And I cannot say this enough times, but the cleaning was remarkably simple this time around! Amazing that everything was so tidy. I took pictures only twice during the evening, one of the cook and some of Maria smoking fireworks, when I get around to emptying my camera I will post something on theotherblog.

Ok, time to move into the great outdoors and look for a place to put dead name-sisters to rest.


It started snowing at midnight, so we couldnt really see much fireworks. This is snow in light from an overhead lamp. The rest of the images speak for themself: Maria, star of the fireworks.

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

2007 Quiz

1. Was 2007 a good year?
Looking at the big picture I'd say it was. It was a year where I grew up a little more (like every year), found myself alittle more, became alittle more secure of who I am. I have no great regrets for things I have done, and the things I didn't I think I had good enough reasons not to to actually regret it. So, yes.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
The first week of my vacation to Norway, when things felt as if they'd actually work out and everything was nice.

3. What was your least favorite moment?
I am torn between falling and hurting my leg in the summer and a dentist visit that was real bad in the autumn. Pure physical agony, in other words.

4. What are your plans for 2008?
I'd like to find a place where there is enough space for *me*.
I would like to make real my many-year old promise of going to Dublin to see Inz. I would of course also like to go to Hki to see Bele, to NY with Christine, and so on and on, but the Dublin trip seems like something I really really should do. I cannot really explain why.

5. Which countries did you visit?

6. Which date in 2007 will you remember?
Thinking back, I cannot actually recall any specific dates which have something really special to remember. And to misinterpret the question as well: I didn't have any dates this year (though I would wish I had, the way things are turning out).

7. Biggest achievement of the year?
Coming to terms with the fact that its not really working and I am not happy in this situation, so I have to stop pretend I am.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to realise the above sooner. Moving here. Two sides of the same coin. I have wasted a year of my life on this.

9. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Yes, multiple. My leg in the summer, and my usual amount of colds/flu/other. The first five months I was still protected by the Flu-vaccine I had gotten the fall of '06 however, so they were unusually healthy months for me. I also got a diagnosis on my socalled allergies (not allergies at all) which has been really helpful. Also some infections in the feet and knees which have made walking painful.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Ooh. This is hard for a shopper. But the best thing I didn't buy - my cat is the best thing come into my possession this year.

11. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

12. Where did most of your money go?

13. What did you get really excited about?
The board-game sessions actually turning reality! :D

14. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
I don't think any will, because I haven't really introduced new music into my life this year at all. If anything that Red Hot Chilipeppers song Mia H has been playing at work - which I quite dislike.

15. Compared to this time last year are you:
a) Fatter or thinner? About as fat but in worse shape, mostly due to all the leg/foot problems I've had which has made me take the bus more than I intended.
b) Happier or sadder? Sadder. Last year I thought I was moving into a really good relationship and such.
c) Richer or poorer? Same - I didn't get a single SEK raise this year! Not even enough to cover inflation.

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dancing. Writing.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Watching TV.

18. Which online people did you meet for the first time?
I don't think I met any online people for the first time this year. Must be the first year in a decade where this hasn't happened.

19. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No. But I dreamed of it.

20. How many one night stands?

21. What was your favourite TV show?
Grand Designs Interior.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
N? Not really hate but... getting close.

23. What was/were the best books you read?
Oh. So many. Best literary was probably Dance Dance Dance by Haruki Murakami, but One Good Knight by Mercedes Lackey was probably the most amusing one.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
As stated above, no new music introduced to me this year. I did however rediscover Wolfstone late in the year.

25. What did you want and get?
A cat.

26. What did you want and not get?
A flat.

27. What was your favourite film this year?
I don't know. Really. It has been an unusual year in that I have been to the cinema probably six or seven times, some sort of all time record. But there hasn't really been anything that struck that special cord.

28. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I went around being upset that I didn't get a gift or even a "HappyBday" from N. The night before I hosted a small dinner party. And I am now 27!

29. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Financial trouble solved, or getting my own place to live, or knowing all dentist appointments were done with for the foreseeable future.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Neutral. Colourful for being me. But still much tee's and jeans.

31. What kept you sane?
My daydreams. Honestly.

32. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
What does this word "celebrity" mean? :/

33. Which political issue stirred you the most?
Heaps. I am not happy with the current government. I don't feel like making a list or discussing it here though.

34. Who did you miss?
All my friends who live far away.

35. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
Probably. I am human. And I know I treated N badly sometimes, because he provokes me so much with his indifference.

36. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yep. See above.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
I am not sure you would agree this philosophy is a good one... but yet again I have realised I am happier in my daydreams.