Monday, 30 April 2007

The Stink of New Ikea Furniture.

Onceupon a time, I was recommended by a very enthusiastic pet accessories shop clerk a brand of cat litter that was made out of ground spruce. Little pellets that dissolved when they got wet.

My cat hated it. I wasn't too fond of it either, as one couldn't claim - in all honesty - that it covered the stink of cat piss.

And the stink of cat piss got worse, since she hated it so much she went to piss on my shoes instead. (I found a use for it, pour it on the puddle on the floor, let it dissolve, wait five minutes, vacuum the resulting wood dust up.. a sweep with the mop to get rid of any residue, and done.)

Anyway. My point being. Most Ikea furniture is made of the same stuff those pellets were made of: Ikea furniture stinks like cat litter.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

Good Ways to Spend a Sunday in April

The Museum of Dance (Dansmuseet) in Stockholm is hosting an exhibition of the works of Alphonse Mucha. Tomorrow is the last day of the exhibition, so if you haven't been there and are in this part of the woods, go there for some visual pleasure.

They have extended their opening hours this last weekend, so from 1200 to 1800 you have a last chance to go there. Entrance SEK 70 - bring cash, neither the entrance nor the museum shop accept cards.

And for the shopomaniac in us all, the museum shop is full of lovely Art Nouveau things, everything from boxes to store your tea, lots and lots of cards, art prints, photo albums and sketchpads, and quite alot more, is available. *drool*

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Eyes Open

I walk through the darkness, eyes wide open. There is no light where I am, only if I look straight up can I see glimpses of the stars, and if I squint, the road ahead like a faint silver shadow through the black. Like the moonshine upon a becalmed sea, but so much fainter.

I open my eyes, and lift my hand to shade my eyes against the glare of the sun and the billion reflections jumping at me from the ripples in the water. The breeze smells like salt and rot, that faint rotting scent from a earthy shoreline. There are sails on the horizon.

I open my eyes and stare (dismayed that it is still there) at my computer screen.

I open my eyes, fighting the urge to rub at them. The road is hot and shadeless, mercyless. The heat makes me dizzy, and I can feel the sweat on my brow mixing with dust and caking in my brows.

I blink, wishing momentarily I was elsewhere, before dragging my attention back. They are telling me I am much happier now. "I am?" I ask, mildly surprised, disagreeing. "Yes, we can see it on your body language, you are much more relaxed now." I nod.

I look around me, momentarily disoriented, as the bus stops for a red light. But no, I didn't miss my stop today either.

I open my eyes as I throw the duvet aside, jumping from the bed to turn the alarm off before it wakes the sleeping shape sharing the bed with me. I have been awake several times during the past couple of hours, knowing the morning is on its way. It is always harder to fall sleep again in the mornings, knowing I have only three hours left, two hours, one and a half.. I twist and turn and pound the pillow, it's too hot and too cold, and now and then I slip into yet another incoherent half dream and BEEPBEEPBEEPBEE-

I open my eyes, frowning at the icy wind in my face, seeping through my coat. My tears are freezing.

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, before opening them again. I will it not to touch me. The muscles in my neck are already relaxed in resignation. Where I before tensed with nervous anticipation of friendships to be, I now relax in resigned acceptance that they will never be. It is not happiness.

I look at the almost full moon, wishing I had my scope with me. To see it better...

I open my eyes as they all point and laugh. What did I do now? No, not me today. Better walk away fast before they see me.

I open my eyes again, looking at the others around the table. The sound of happy people fill my ears. I give them an affectionate grin, but nobody notices. I like that they are happy.

I open my eyes, grinning with sheer joy at the wind in my hair and the solitude filling me. This I can never share.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Something to Brighten Your Day: This and That

This was a forwarded email I received from my niece - if you have read it already, move along, if not, take a moment - there are sure to be several points that make you smile and think of someone you know, or yourself, or nod in agreement.


This and That:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty our bedpan.


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends – if they're okay, then it's you.