I am a slow thinker. But I think a lot - and that means that I do other things slowly too. Showering for instance. This afternoon I have taken a short but ridiculously slow shower here at Sunset RV Park, Bee Cave, Texas. And I have been thinking, continuing a line of thought started up in Montana more than a week ago.
In a way I wish I was less socially competent. I think that sounds like a weird statement. But that is my conclusion. I wish I didn't notice when what I say has no interest to the listener(s), that I could happily chatter on. Instead I fall silent, pull back, listen, wind up as a non-participant in the group, because I lose confidence and don't know what to say instead. I try a dozen lines in my head but none make it past my self-erected barrier. It is difficult for others to get me to participate too, because of that same insecurity. I sit there, silent and unhappy, half-listening, half trying to come up with something to say.
I guess in the end, when I am not working with what I know and am good at, I feel too large and clumsy, both physically and socially. And I wind up wishing I was alone, safe in my hermitage, out of reach of social interaction. I so want to be liked and to be able to participate, and I hurt myself so terribly every time I fail.
I have failed a lot on this journey. It is a long time since I felt this lonely and lacking in self-worth. I know it is a situation I create for myself, and in a way that makes it even worse. Another failure.
And a final word: My dears, I am so sorry for all the times I make you uncomfortable by blurting a truth that sounds like an accusation when it's all in my head. I hear it and I wince and want to take it back. So sorry.
(This post is written on my cellphone. Any incoherence is to be blamed on the combination of my short-term memory and the fact that I can only see one sentence at a time.)