Sunday, 19 August 2012

Oblivious

I am a slow thinker. But I think a lot - and that means that I do other things slowly too. Showering for instance. This afternoon I have taken a short but ridiculously slow shower here at Sunset RV Park, Bee Cave, Texas. And I have been thinking, continuing a line of thought started up in Montana more than a week ago.
In a way I wish I was less socially competent. I think that sounds like a weird statement. But that is my conclusion. I wish I didn't notice when what I say has no interest to the listener(s), that I could happily chatter on. Instead I fall silent, pull back, listen, wind up as a non-participant in the group, because I lose confidence and don't know what to say instead. I try a dozen lines in my head but none make it past my self-erected barrier. It is difficult for others to get me to participate too, because of that same insecurity. I sit there, silent and unhappy, half-listening, half trying to come up with something to say.
I guess in the end, when I am not working with what I know and am good at, I feel too large and clumsy, both physically and socially. And I wind up wishing I was alone, safe in my hermitage, out of reach of social interaction. I so want to be liked and to be able to participate, and I hurt myself so terribly every time I fail.
I have failed a lot on this journey. It is a long time since I felt this lonely and lacking in self-worth. I know it is a situation I create for myself, and in a way that makes it even worse. Another failure.
And a final word: My dears, I am so sorry for all the times I make you uncomfortable by blurting a truth that sounds like an accusation when it's all in my head. I hear it and I wince and want to take it back. So sorry.
(This post is written on my cellphone. Any incoherence is to be blamed on the combination of my short-term memory and the fact that I can only see one sentence at a time.)

5 comments:

  1. I shower slowly too. Long warm showers are great.

    Usually it's more important what you think than how fast you think. The kind of social competence you mention is probably more common among women than among men. Good observations. I think it happens to all of us, but not everybody notice.

    Cold As Heaven

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    1. I don't shower slowly, as long as I manage to keep moving I am efficient - but I zone out with a towel in my hand... for like 30 minutes.

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  2. We talked about this a bit, but I have some things to add after reading through your post some more. I have felt much like this many times in my life and I still do in situations where I'm not comfortable. I think it's more common than you might think.

    For me, even though I still have this social insecurity and self awareness at times, the only way it has got better the last years is by me practicing a lot. Nowadays I find talking fairly easy. what I really have a problem with is listening, which is essential in order to carry a conversation. I have to focus so hard in order to not zone out or drift away in thoughts, shutting out the sound of the person I am talking to.

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    1. One thing I am not saying: "it is unique for me". One thing I am saying: "It is a situation I create for myself". *shrug*

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    2. Didn't mean it like that, I meant that knowing others, (many more than I thought at least after having spoken to people who I really didn't think had similar problems, even strong extraverts), can perhaps help in feeling more comfortable with yourself in social situations. It does to me.

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Be nice!