Thursday, 21 October 2010

Why I sometimes sneer openly at compliments

I am fairly good at improvising. My Norwegian/Literature teacher put it something like this back in the days when I asked if she would write me letter of recommendation: "Because [she] reads so much and continually takes in information, she easily adapts what she knows and the reflections she has already made to new material." Back then, when I read it, I thought "Whoa, do I do all that?" - I was eighteen. Now, so many years later, I am aware:

Yes, I do just what she said.

The ability manifested for real when I got my current job, I might add. I am continually short of time, I am extremely absent-minded and frequently realise I am about to go unprepared to a meeting, for a presentation, or seminar. Yet I somehow get away with it.

Then I get compliments from colleagues. "You have so good at structure and planning." "I know you never miss a thing." "I know you always have complete control of the situation."

I don't feel pleased at the things they say. I get annoyed. Very annoyed.

One of the most despicable things I know are untruth. And what they say is untruth. They might not be aware of it, but that just makes it worse, because that kind of blatant ignorance is despicable too. A kind of weakness that I cannot tolerate.

If they would only say "I know you will be able to handle the meeting perfectly well, because you have so good background knowledge." Or something else that I could actually take some pride in, feel good about, that would be so refreshing!

The reason for this post? We have been working on positive feedback and everyone gave eachother positive feedback in what I felt was a rather forced situation. The only REAL thing I heard was from my boss who told me I am a fighter that always gets where I want. The rest was.. creepy. That my closest colleagues are so ignorant of how I function, of how I work. I know that in a way it is good that my facade keeps up but.. I am not cynical enough.


Be nice!