Thursday, 17 June 2010

Emptiness

Gramps died last night.

The last hero. The last tie.

I feel surprisingly empty, maybe it'll come.
But it feels like I took my goodbyes so long ago. Every time I have seen him I have said my farewell like it would be the last - since autumn 2003 when he had the first stroke, and I travelled all tumbling with the speed and chaos to Norway from Finland; with bus and ferry and train and car. They thought he wouldn't wake up properly. Then he looked up at us and scowled, and after that he became better again.

He knew me every time I visited, the only thing wrong with him was simply age, a worn body breaking down.

He became 101 and almost 1/2 year on that.

I will try to get to the funeral, somehow. Show my respect. I am not close to many people and he was one of the few I loved without reservations. He taught me so much. Going to the funeral however brings its own problems. Not going would be disrespectful and I would lose respect to myself, for one thing. I imagine it'd draw some comment, if not spoken out loud then thought, from relations as well. But going means I have to face them. Not something I am looking forwards to. At all.

I should re-dye my hair this saturday. He would have liked that, me coming with green hair. He always grinned happily at my bright blue and green hair. He was even happier when I did things like wearing it with a bright yellow sweater. If I wasn't so interested in being unobtrusive (trying to avoid more notice than necessary from said relations) I might go like that. Bright happy colours, knowing he preferred that to my normal austere blacks and greys.

Baah, baah, the sheep returns. The black sheep with the green head.

6 comments:

  1. ♥ bring on the colour, you're going there to pay you respects to him, not be nice to the others!
    Well, in a more realistic tone; really bright underwear might be the key, still paying your tribute, but going unnoticed by those who won't understand.

    Some ♥ for you

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  2. Sorry to hear about your loss :|

    Making those goodbyes for a long time still might not take the edge away from the grief, but I'm sure it helps in dealing with the situation.

    Do the thing that feels right for you. It's your choice how to show respect and how to grieve.

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  3. *hugs* Sad to hear about gramps. If there's anything I can do to help you out with funeral travel arrangements or something, let me know.
    -Kasha

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  4. Thankyou for your well-wishes.

    Status update:
    I am still fairly cold to it all.

    I dunno, I have never feared death - it seems to me to be a release and he was in pain at the end. I have through the past years tried to avoid going there too much, and not wanting to hear how he was when he was unwell. With hindsight I think I was protecting my memories, keeping him as he was clear in my head. The process to me then has been long and slow and gradual. But I have my memories. Bless my good ability of recall.

    I have train tickets to Norway, the funeral is midsummer eve. A friend is catsitting, over midsummer no less.. A weight off my mind.

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  5. I know how much he meant to you. *hug*

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  6. hugs.

    -Janika

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Be nice!