Friday, 26 February 2010

The thoughts of a lone wolf

I have earlier written about my wish to stay alone, to stay solitary, single. I am not sure I have written about why, or what it is like. The days are fast approaching the second anniversary of living in this flat, alone. Maybe that is why I spend so much time reflecting upon my situation. Maybe it is just because I cannot sleep and have too much awake time on my hands.

There are alot of advantages to living alone, to not answering to anyone but myself. I don't have to adjust to anyone in any matter: I sleep when I want to, I listen to what music I want to when I want to (even when I sleep), I can have silence when I want to. I have the freedom to eat or not as it suits me, and there's noone to complain that I am just eating bread and cheese or alittle cereal and not bothering cooking. The things I leave strewn around me bother noone but myself and I can tidy them up when they annoy me. I get to sleep alone every night, I get to sleep diagonally and using all the bed surface and my twisting and turning does not annoy anyone, I don't steal duvets or get duvets stolen or kick anyone or get kicked or pushed out of bed. There is freedom to not go out unless I want to, to simply stay in, to enjoy being a bit of a hermit, getting all my social input online in the form of text. Freedom to work as much as I like and can/have energy for.
And finally there is security. If I don't deal with people they cannot hurt me. I am safe against heartbreak, hurt, raised voices, angry silences, there is no fear of lifted hands, cowering in a corner. This is my domain and as there is only me here, I feel completely safe in all my rooms.

But it is not just bliss. There are things that hurt. Alone can be very lonely. Having to deal with anything the world chucks at me on my own, with my own resources, not having anyone to ask for help or just support in any decision or solution or action or problem is tough, although I know I grow stronger every time I manage. Talking to myself and the cat just to hear voices. Always sleeping alone, never any warmth or someone to cuddle close to at night. The ache that seems to sit somewhere in my spine for physical contact. Eating goes to hell because noone see that you don't eat properly, can't bother to cook just for one person, who cares anyway, I'll be dead soon. Never going out because of the lack of someone to do things with.

Most days I feel that the plus sides outnumber the minuses. I have been happier and mentally healthier in most ways since I moved here, better for every month. Alot of that has to do with feeling safe, finally.

However: There are two kinds of self-confidence - belief in one's own abilities and belief in one's own self worth as a person. The former is spiralling upwards in my case, while the second spirals ever downwards, the reason being my lack of social contact outside work, where my abilities is all that counts and I know I am good at what I do. But I am growing ever more convinced that I am unlovable and that I will never again have even close afk friends, too.

Where does the truth lie then? Somewhere inbetween I suppose. My best guess, letting my analytical abilities kick into action, is that I choose to not long for what I cannot have, make it my own decision. And is that such a bad thing?

7 comments:

  1. Sleepless blogging. Thoughts that have been swirling for some time.

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  2. I can really relate to the need for personal space and freedom, being something of a lone wolf myself. I also recognize that it's a conflicted existance. Do you think there is a way to "have it all"? To stay true to oneself (beng a lone wolf) while at the same time not miss out on other stuff, like a relationship, close friends, and such? Can a satisfying balance be found?

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  3. I hope and dream it is possible to find that balance. Yet I have been completely unable to achieve anything approaching it myself, so I do not have much faith in it.

    While brewing my morning cuppa (today green tea for once), I pondered your question a bit and I think several things. I might be proven wrong at all of them however as I recognise that I tend to take a stance and blind myself to possibilities when it comes to myself.

    I think it would either take two loners, or the other person would have to be of saintly powers of empathy, understanding and respect to not be hurt by the need for distance and loneliness. Also my experience is that a non-loner will pressure a loner into being social ("come with me to this party") and that can create friction if a no is not expected or respected when it comes, or the loner does not dare to say no. Even with two loners it would be difficult: the cycle of wanting companionship or loneliness might not be synchronised at all.

    I am mostly rambling about relationships here - close friends I think is fully possible because I know from experience it is (I just don't have much faith that I will be able of getting friends again).

    Having a wider circle of people close enough to call friends (as opposed to mere acquaintances) I think is rare for loners. Maintaining friendships take time and effort, you have to maintain all of them and with many that means you need to spend alot of time being social or thinking about the needs of others. (Now my words might be seen as suggesting that loners are selfish people which I don't think is true any more than for the rest of the population.)

    But a few close friends? Should be possible if you aren't too shy to make friends to start with.

    Relationship? Tricky, I think.

    Your thoughts, TP?

    And hey, I know I have other loner acquaintances reading this; add your input, please...

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  4. Well, I think you're spot-on.

    Yeah, the saintly powers required to make a relationship involving a lone wolf work are probably exactly that, saintly, as in (borderline? definitely?) unrealistic. It doesn't seem possible that such a relationship could last. At least that has been my experience. :/ I've tried to adjust and fake interest in social activities but I could never keep it up. And so it fell apart, of course, since I was basically dishonest about the kind of person I was. I've only recently begun to accept and be more honest about the fact that, yes, I am something of a lone wolf.

    But two loners... yeah, that could probably work, right? I mean, even "non-loners" have relationships where they live apart (särbo). Seems like there's a chance there, at least. Interesting point about the loneliness-cycles though..

    As far as friends go, I think I have a half-decent balance there. Though if one defines a friend as a person you meet often and regularly and share intimate secrets with, then I suppose I have no friends. But I do know people that I like, and who appears to enjoy my company. We meet whenever and it's always a relaxed atmosphere. It might have something to do with the fact that we're all nerds, one way or another. :)

    It's just that, sometimes, it would be nice to be able to lean on someone... And I think you said something similar..?

    Someone should start a social network for lone wolves. :)

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  5. We have a social network. It is called the internet. ..Or something :D I mean, since most loners nowadays tend to be nerds of some type or other.

    I don't have much to add at the moment, since we seem to agree.

    Q: Are you a cyclical loner and if so, how?

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  6. My need for loneliness comes and goes, absolutely. But the frequency varies and I can't really say what the key factors are. If I've been alone for a long time then I am more likely to start looking for company, and the converse is also true, but that's about it. I guess it has more to do with what life throws at me than some internal timer of mine.

    Right now for instance I am feeling quite sociable. :)

    What about you, do you have a timer inside? What makes you want to leave the safety of the den, so to speak?

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  7. Ach, don't counter question me, now I have to actually think. Haven't really formulated those thoughts in my own head I guess. Should have though, it was an obvious question.

    Let me see. Yes, overdoses of the one or other will have me straining for the other extreme. At the same time a rather high dose that is still not OVER-dosing of either will keep me wanting more. Both hermit and social life is addicting, in other words - when they are balanced just right. The longer I stay a hermit the more I want to stay a hermit, however.

    Not sure I am really stably cyclical unless I overdose - usually forced by other people to the one extreme or by my own reticience to the other extreme. I could find a balance.

    Yes, I actually think I could. Now I am a bit surprised. Ah well, that's what you get.

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Be nice!