Thursday, 15 October 2009

The Long Road

I keep saying that moving into a flat where I live alone and being long-term single has been the best thing I have ever done, but in all fairness to past flatmates and cohabitants, girl- and boyfriends, I have mostly become alittle better with each change to my life, be it a move or a new person. And every time it has seemed that this was really good for me and such a major difference compared to what came before.

There was alot of things that came before, that slowly worked in me and finally imploded. Other people involved got a delayed reaction about the same time I did. It was easy with short hindsight to blame other circumstances, people, events, actions for what happened but I think the main cause came further in the past; simply because of the simultaneousness of our - identical - reaction. Also alot of my decline was not really observed and seen because of my "fluffy" art year where not much was achieved except some crafting skills - I was hidden and unobserved there, spiraling ever down, and when I came away it was easy to blame other things, the changes, the new people in my life. Belayed apologies.

Today I am at my best so far. With every big change (new relationship, new job, big house move) the observation have been made that now I am finally well - yet the same thing is said - by me, by others - the next time. I think I am still getting better. Observing I think others have made a speedier recovery but I know how well I pretend myself, so I should give them the benefit of the doubt - they might be in the same situation. Day by day. This week was better than the same week last month. What a difference to last year. But still a ways to go.

I see ways in which I have become worse the past year and a half too. My self confidence has moved back ten or twelve years in many respects - which makes me more shy and reserved. At the same time I know I am good at things and I respect my own skills. So it is mostly a social matter, and more based in genuine shyness than irrational fear. So still an improvement.

Still something I wish I could get over.

To hell with it.

Complete honesty:
Five years ago I was still making friends, getting to know people, meeting new people. That has become more and more rare, to the point where I am now refusing or at least making excuses, avoiding, to meet what could/should be fairly good friends because I think they cannot possibly like me IRL.

I promise not to delete this post or any paragraph in it no matter how much I might regret being that honest in five minutes time. It is needed.


  1. Never apologize for feeling better about yourself. Those who need an apology don't understand. Those who understand don't need one. :)

  2. Uh, what, where? Afaik I haven't done that?


Be nice!