Saturday, 8 August 2009

Matterless

When I read my sense of self slips away and I cease to be.

It does not happen when I watch movies, exercise, or craft, but it happens when I get into the flow and start drawing my more intricate ink drawings and it happens, but in a different way, when I focus on another person through conversation - face to face.

I use reading to get by now.

Now it seems I see things so clearly, as if the strange angle everything have makes me see connections or how things work. It is separate from the grayness, in a way. They don't affect eachother. I will just realise "Yes, that is how it is. Of course. How did I forget, why did I not realise."

Why reading is so important.
Where my loyalty lies. I must not forget that. It must influence my actions even more than it has.
What I really want, what I dream about, what I have always searched for but which I lost track of along the way - why I have been unable to see myself in so many situations people expect one to want.

So strange. Things that made me happy only yesterday morning seem meaningless now. And I cannot for my life figure out what triggered it (or rather, what triggered it NOW and not at any other time). My thoughts spin in fruitless circles, hard to focus, easier when I close my eyes so I don't see the tilted, unfamiliar world around me.

Easier to just sink into a book. Pages passing by, unnoticed, a story unfolding, me a part of it, outside myself, in someone else's mind. Finishing one book and beginning another. This time; a safe story, an old story, an old story of newness. It does not matter, any well-written story will do. And even less well-written ones - seeing clumsy passages which should have been rewritten, sentences that does not make sense, things that passed the editor by - entertaining even if they pull me out of the story. But not into myself: I stay outside my body, without form or a sense of identity.

I also find that writing is easy. Objective. Describing what goes on in my head. I do not trust my voice to bear, but words flow from my mind and onto the screen without effort. I am not sure it is wise to put the words here, but I cannot pinpoint a reason not to so I just go ahead and do it anyway. It does not matter.

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