Monday, 10 August 2009

The Choices We Make

I have been bickering with myself about which language to write this text in, as Swedish was what came into my mind (for once) - probably influenced by all the Swedish blogs I have read about the same or similar topics, a very few of which I am going to link to in a moment. I wound up with English simply to not have to suffer people using Google translate to get it in English and mangling my text.

This is something that has been bubbling in my mind for quite a while without me ever finding the right words, then it started to come out in coherent sentences last week in IRC and I also saved a question which I realised I would like to answer in full in a more coherent media than IRC, namely this blog.

To my great amusement, this morning I was eating my breakfast while following link after link around in the Swedish blogosphere, as well as clicking on the things I read regularly, and reading things that are related, or just made things fall into place in my head.

Tanja writes about identity, about not wanting to define herself or not wanting/being able to associate herself to the existing definitions. Last week I said something like "For a person so in need of defining everything around her, I certainly am no good at defining my own gender identity". I think I used fewer words. I don't have the logs. Anyhow, when I this weekend read Tanja's text was something I could relate to. I am me, and I am different than the stereotype of [insert subculture/other definition]. I can say "I am not X, I am not Z" but I cannot really find it in me to say "I am W". So how to define me, by excluding options? What if the leftover option is something I am not comfortable with, or what if there is nothing left? Who am I? Do I need a definition? I am me.

I am not asexual, but I don't feel very sexual either (whatever that would be). I am not homosexual nor heterosexual but I am highly uncomfortable with the term bisexual (for a whole lot of reasons). For that sake, it applies to other things: I am not Norwegian, I am not Swedish.

I do not fall in love with people because of the lack of or the possession of an y gene, but in brains (mmh, braaains). Beautiful minds. The rest, whatever it is, is just a bonus.

Mymlan writes about turning herself into an asexual (and even asocial) creature rather than not finding the perfection she dreams about (when she admits that the dream is there, that is). I recognize this too. I am very vocal (sometimes at least) about my love for my single life, MY life, my time, my flat, my choice, always just me, selfishness. All of that is, if you question me further, a result of being disappointed, of finding less than perfection, don't go for second best baby put your love to the test. Of all the pain and loneliness of a relationship. Can you believe that I am less lonely now than I ever was in my relationships, and I spend -alot- less time around people?

Elin writes about relationship patterns and always being the perfect girl, dirty boy, working so hard, sacrificing so much, until one day she is back there realising all that she does not have anyway. See above. However in my case it has been the same with women so I might just merely have bad taste in people overall.

Ok, time for kehaar to ask his question:
kehaar> Why don't you find someone and settle down? Start a family.
I cannot even begin to point at all the things wrong with this. I have to however. "Finding someone" - let's start there. It is not so easy! At least not to find someone you would actually want to spend time with for years and years. And that has the mutual feeling, too. Hell, I can't even find people to watch movies or have tea or a glass of wine with, and just finding someone magically to settle down with? Whoa. Hollywood maybe.
Then all of the above about not wanting to sacrifice my wonderful tranquillity (even if some days has alot of bitter longing) for a relationship of unknown quality.
And what do you mean start a family? I have a cat... No seriously, I do not wish to transfer my faulty genes to a new human, even if I could stand the idea of having a parasital being growing inside me Alien style, or of disrupting my life, my career (what there is of it), my dreams, my independence for that same parasital being. And no babies are not cute, if you wondered. Not even kittens.

April 2005 I wrote a text that amused me greatly when I found it yesterday, as I had recently started a new blog post (that will now never be, being incorporated into this) about the same topic. I had forgotten that I had those exact same sentiments then, though I did remember I had them ten years ago. I seem to forget and remember this in something like five year waves (close enough anyway). I will try to remember it this time. I think my 18 months alone here has been a good starter to help me remember, actually.

First, last and in the middle must always be friendship. I need a close friend, someone to confide in, who will confide in me, who will laugh with me and be silly with me and cry with me and dare to tell me I am an idiot, but always keep the loyalty of a close friend. It is too long since I had a close friend in the same city. Unfortunately, I can't pick up one of those in the supermarket either, and it seems I am past the age of spontaneously connecting with people.

This has been a rambling post where I touch upon alot of topics. It is no easy thing to publish this, maybe especially since I have been intent upon not talking about sexuality, gender issues, etc in this public a forum - but writing is good for me and putting it out in public for anyone to read takes some air out of the balloon, it is no longer so big and dangerous topic.

Disclaimer to those I linked to: Sorry if you feel I misquote you, I was trying to condense your beautiful text into one or a few short sentences.

1 comment:

  1. Well said. As you well know I feel, or have felt, the same ways. And keep writing, keep sharing, or these thoughts will rattle around and make enough noise inside your head to drown out all else.

    ReplyDelete

Be nice!