Friday, 7 August 2009

The Black-headed Monster Rears Its Head

I hope it is just lack of sleep, but I fear it sits deeper.

I felt weirder and weirder through the last hour at work. When I walked down the stairs, leaving, I felt something unhinge inside me and the entire world went off at a crazy tilt - so far away, so close, and me so alone in the middle and off balance, falling, stumbling through it.

The lethargy walking to the bus was oddly comforting in its black familiarity. My feet barely moving, syrupy, not obeying. I concentrated on keeping my knees locked, giving me a stiff jerky movement, to avoid collapsing roadside and just sitting there shivering and barely able to breathe.

Standing at the bus stop I thought about breathing, noticed I would forget and then hyperventilate and then forget again, suddenly jerking as if I wanted to beat at a cage trapping me. Or run like a scared deer veering across the road in front of the car that spooked it. Looking around me and registering my desperate movement with a strange detachment, I settled on the bench in the shelter. Forced myself over there and sat down carefully, every movement controlled. Stuck inbetween laughter at the familiarity and tears at the extreme hopelessness that is chewing at my edges, making me blurry, making my life tear away in small pixels at the edges.

I managed to make a conscious decision (survival instinct kicking in?) to take the one bus which means I don't have to change 1-2 times, but where I rather walk some extra at the end. I still almost got lost somewhere I was not supposed to go, confused at the unfamiliar landscape, looking around me at the houses I did not recognize.

Somehow I got myself home.

My cat is my friend. I tell him so.
I type in almost an entire page from a grammar book into someone's comment field.
The fan blows some blessedly cool air at me.
My eyes are burning and I cannot make myself get up and do the things I am supposed to do, care about the things I am supposed to care about.

I did not know it could strike this suddenly, from me being that well to being this far down. I did not know my tranquillity was that brittle. Is it a result of my mind or is it chemical? Which is worst? My mind being sadder than I thought or the risk that it can strike at any time the rest of my life because of my body not making the right molecules in the right amounts?


  1. I am so sorry to read about that strange episode of yours. I hope you feel better.

    I guess that would be my comment field you're talking about? =) I haven't checked it yet. It's great if you feel like writing down your reference, but you really don't have bother with that.

  2. I did not mind. It was useless (?) and brainless work that kept me out of the apathy and the grayness for a while.

  3. Darling, it's the best thing that you regocnize what it is so early, because it means that you can do something to it and it doesn't just seep into you unnoticed.

    In any case, you can handle it.



Be nice!