Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Beauty and the beast

I seem to be falling into a cliche. The one of the fat girl who patiently loves someone without ever saying something. Tragicomic really. The martyr role doesn't fit me, never has - not speaking was never my way. So what the hell is going on?

For the past four or five years I have had this on-off crush on a person. If I don't see, talk to or hear of her/him for a while, it slips into the back of my mind and I live my life as normal, not thinking about it and even (at least it has been known to happen) dating others. But every time there is an encounter - or the possibility of one - I am completely lost again. There has at times been years between encounters, at other times we keep in touch.

I have never spoken of it to the person in question. I seem to recall there was alot of flirtation in the early days, but that is gone if it was ever there. Nowadays I would do nothing that might scare away her/him, I really do not want to lose the friendship and the chance to be around the person at all, even sporadically and distanced. For some reason I have always felt very inadequate around her/him. I become stupid, clumsy, feel ugly. Meanwhile s/he is one of the wisest, funniest and most beautiful people I know. I should start a fan club.

The feeling of inadequacy was at times so strong that I would come up with excuses to cancel if we were supposed to meet. Almost anxiety inducing. Nowadays I am, luckily above that. Sporadically hanging out is good and I will live happily with the smile I now and then receive, sometimes stealing a hug, listening to laughter.

In a way I wonder if it is just the above reasons that keep me away, or if it is also my enjoyment of my single life, but it is nice having feelings for someone at all. Would I even want it to go further. I think I would, but I fear it too, way too complicated and scary, too high a risk of some enmity ruining a future friendship.

This is just ranting, of course. Needing to get it out of my system.

I will continue to patiently provide what friendship I can when it is wanted. I will continue to work at not pouncing every time I see the person online, to let her/him have her/his space. I will continue to be happy if s/he finds happiness elsewhere, though I will also be ragingly jealous, but that I will keep well hidden. Or maybe I will get roaring drunk and drop thinly veiled hints and take my chances, if it goes wrong blaming drunkenness. Who knows what the future will bring...

4 comments:

  1. I am sorry to hear of your heartache. Would it really be that terrible to make a full "confession" to the person in question? I mean, that way, at least you'd get some form of closure. Isn't it draining to wonder "what if"? Still, I can appreciate your fondness for the single life. It most definetly has its perks. ^_^

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  2. I wouldn't call it heartache, far from it.

    And I do not want closure if it costs me the friendship - in my own way I am quite happy for it to be this way.

    Maybe I just have serious commitment issues.

    But yes, in the end, having the person around at all is way more important to me than adding more complicated emotions.

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  3. A lucky person if it works out for you.

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  4. Works out = keeps the friendship. Nothing else.

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Be nice!