Saturday, 24 January 2009

I know, I know..

My blog has been neglected since I got the new job. I think the reasons are multiple:

I work longer hours, and when I take out those extra hours again I usually don't sit by my computer. I am more satisfied with my existance so I spend more time "doing things" than being online. And with more satisfied with my existance I mean everything...

I have my own flat, it is a nice spaceous place with air and light and plenty of shelves for my books and long wide window sills for my plants. I like being there and that fact makes me care more for the place. I am satisfied with my single existance - I am quite self-sufficient and I cannot imagine a person I could live with existing outside my (very cabable) imagination. I don't miss the emotional drama and all the upset feelings - for good or bad - associated with dating, relationships, the entire thing. I enjoy my more stable mood, not being extremely happy or very sad all the time. I am in a period where I read less, but I did rewatch NCIS from s1 and it brought me alot of entertainment, so I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. Not having a TV again is nice. I could want one to watch the stuff I do watch on - I do enjoy having a larger, better, screen to look at than my laptop, but not having TV channels is great. I enjoy the teamleader job - I have always liked working for the company, its not all idyllic but I have worked so many worse places. I like responsibility and I like that I have power to influence how things are. Honestly, I also like being good at what I do and I like being appreciated ;)

We talked briefly about being motivated yesterday - "who is responsible for my motivation" was the only question we touched upon and that very briefly, we will talk more next week. It is something I find very interesting - both on a philosophical and a practical level.

In the end I am always responsible for my own motivation, but my boss can affect it so much, and so can the other TLs, as well as the other people in the department. I think we are all responsible for not doing things that can affect eachothers motivation negatively. When I think about it, back in time and current, I think that the people "on my own level" are always the ones affecting me most. The ones I work closest with. And small actions can pull me down so much. The one happening to commit whatever action saddened me probably is completely oblivious to it, and whose responsibility is it to deal with it? I have to move on. If the thing happens repeatedly, I am the one that have to bring it up, discuss it, maybe the solution is simple. The conclusion of all these thoughts is that yes, even when negative things happen, actions others do, I am responsible.

The problems are two: When I get sad or hurt I get apathic and stop caring about my job, just wind up sitting there staring. And I haven't got the faintest idea how to bring up things with others in a proper (polite, politically correct, without hurting feelings) way.

But I am still responsible for myself so what I CAN do is continuing looking for an opening to bring it up, and to try to snap out of my self-pity if it surfaces and just keep going. And I can also do my very best to try to not hurt anyone else, to try to keep from affecting their motivation.

Interesting subject, as you can see.

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