Sunday, 13 January 2008

Thoughts on a sunday "morning"

Getting better:

I had set the alarm at nine am, with the idea that if I felt somewhat OK then, I'd get up so that I can sleep at night and hopefully be in shape to go to work tomorrow. I did feel ok. I felt more than ok. I felt ... hungry. A long shower later, I set out to boil a couple of eggs and find some slices of bread. And to my immense surprise (thinking that hungry might not mean that I could actually eat more than a few bites) the slice of bread with two eggs spread on it, disappeared in something like 30 seconds. Then, however, I was full... Ah well. Also one way to decrease my tummy measure!

I am not well, but I am surprisingly chipper. Pondering if I will dare drinking tea. I haven't had a good cuppa tea in several days. I'm dying for tea, in fact. But I believe I have to pace myself. None of my two liters of tea right now, I guess.

Online is immensely boring. And N broke the TV when he tried to do an update - most of the interesting channels doesn't work. Meaning I will have to find myself something to read. That feels like it might actually be a problem, because I don't think I am up to reading something serious and thought-awakening like all the books I am in the middle of are... Perhaps I should reread something nice and friendly and wellknown, something that will make me smile and disappear but not really think much about anything else than what is happening.

The drawn-out separation-process:

Been thinking alot about the situation I'm stuck in here. Living with N is increasingly difficult. It was easier before christmas, when he was gone most of the time, but since he stopped commuting I actually have to deal with him on a daily basis. It is several months since I commented that it seemed to me that it had been over for quite some time, and he just shrugged and nodded. Yet I am still living here, which has its ups and downs. I haven't had to move, for instance. I could watch TV until he broke it (I have never owned one of those apparatuses myself). And. Well. I can't recall any more ups at the moment. I will try to write them down if I do come up with any.

I have decided quite a while ago that I won't move until I can get a first hand lease, to avoid the manic every-second-month-moving-carousel that second-hand living brings with it - been there done that, not missing it. Unfortunately this is a city where it is extremely hard to find somewhere to live unless you have the a) funds and b) income to a) pay the deposit and b) get a mortgage for buying a flat. Neither of which I have. So the hunt will have to go on. I think I could get one if I can accept spending 1,5 hours getting to work, and 1,5 hours getting home in the evenings. Which is a no go. There would not be time over for anything but sleeping and working, that way. So mehness. I'll just have to be patient and wait and hunt.

It is beginning to seem to me that I have an extremely bad taste in men, because with two exceptions where it was my own immaturety playing out its cards (luckily resulting in two friendships I am proud to have), I keep getting hurt and scarred mentally or even physically. I have noticed a regression the past year, how the downward spiral have begun again, and I really do not need to get back to that level where I was. Getting it clear in my mind what was causing the downhill slide and that I have to move has helped stabilize the curve, but I still need to start climbing again. I find myself in many ways more introvert (at least in the famour RL, or Real Life, that you may have heard of) than I used to be just a year or two or four ago. The situation ten years ago, of course, was way worse, so lets hope I won't get back to that state.

Well. Random thoughts. All of what you expect from me. If you read this far, congratulations on your patience. Over and out.

5 comments:

  1. Ahhhh, relationships, the bane and lifeblood of our existence.
    I curse them yet wish I was in one within the same powerless breath.

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  2. More on that in a post to come soon.

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  3. You will never go back to there where you was 10 years ago. Now you know the way.. both dawn- and upstairs... You have already put the brake on!!

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  4. I certainly hope so. Hope the hill isn't too steep. Hope I can get back up. Know I have to get outta here ASAP. And know that is not for me to decide, but up to the fickle gods of rental housing.

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  5. Guh, I totally hope you'll get the apartment soon. The situation seems just to suck so bad.

    Taste in men can be improved easily, yet, how to get one to fit for that taste instead of settling with something 'less' - that's something I would like to know how to do.
    Especially, when new people are so hard to meet.


    Anyway, you have my wishes for everything good :)

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Be nice!