Thursday, 26 April 2007

Eyes Open

I walk through the darkness, eyes wide open. There is no light where I am, only if I look straight up can I see glimpses of the stars, and if I squint, the road ahead like a faint silver shadow through the black. Like the moonshine upon a becalmed sea, but so much fainter.

I open my eyes, and lift my hand to shade my eyes against the glare of the sun and the billion reflections jumping at me from the ripples in the water. The breeze smells like salt and rot, that faint rotting scent from a earthy shoreline. There are sails on the horizon.

I open my eyes and stare (dismayed that it is still there) at my computer screen.

I open my eyes, fighting the urge to rub at them. The road is hot and shadeless, mercyless. The heat makes me dizzy, and I can feel the sweat on my brow mixing with dust and caking in my brows.

I blink, wishing momentarily I was elsewhere, before dragging my attention back. They are telling me I am much happier now. "I am?" I ask, mildly surprised, disagreeing. "Yes, we can see it on your body language, you are much more relaxed now." I nod.

I look around me, momentarily disoriented, as the bus stops for a red light. But no, I didn't miss my stop today either.

I open my eyes as I throw the duvet aside, jumping from the bed to turn the alarm off before it wakes the sleeping shape sharing the bed with me. I have been awake several times during the past couple of hours, knowing the morning is on its way. It is always harder to fall sleep again in the mornings, knowing I have only three hours left, two hours, one and a half.. I twist and turn and pound the pillow, it's too hot and too cold, and now and then I slip into yet another incoherent half dream and BEEPBEEPBEEPBEE-

I open my eyes, frowning at the icy wind in my face, seeping through my coat. My tears are freezing.

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, before opening them again. I will it not to touch me. The muscles in my neck are already relaxed in resignation. Where I before tensed with nervous anticipation of friendships to be, I now relax in resigned acceptance that they will never be. It is not happiness.

I look at the almost full moon, wishing I had my scope with me. To see it better...

I open my eyes as they all point and laugh. What did I do now? No, not me today. Better walk away fast before they see me.

I open my eyes again, looking at the others around the table. The sound of happy people fill my ears. I give them an affectionate grin, but nobody notices. I like that they are happy.

I open my eyes, grinning with sheer joy at the wind in my hair and the solitude filling me. This I can never share.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Be nice!